This article may not be what you expect.
This is not to say that the title is at all misleading. It is, in fact, 100% correct — in the following post, I will break down a the incredibly simple, straightforward set of steps that will enable you, dear reader, to get women to do exactly what you want them to do.
But that’s not all I’m going to write about. I’m also going to write about how and why you might want to get a woman to do your bidding — and I hope, by the end of the article, that you’ll be thinking about those questions a little bit.
Let’s get started.
Four Steps to Perfect Control of Any Woman
We don’t like to admit it, but most of us have a pretty deep-seated need for control.
Hell, most of what we’ve done in the seduction industry — breaking down and systematizing social dynamics — is a result of a desire to have more control in our interactions with women — a desire, ultimately, to produce better results from the same interactions that used to stump us. A desire, in other words, to get our needs met.
This is not a new phenomenon. The world is a dangerous and unpredictable place, and our persistent desire to exert some measure of control on our environment may be the single most enduring trait of human nature. Men have always tried to get their needs met, and used varying tactics, tools and technology through the ages. So have women. Without getting into the topic of the reproductive arms race, it’s enough to say that the average man or woman is really just looking to meet their own needs. For survival, shelter, sex, affiliation, affection, belonging, and meaning.
While looking to get our needs met, we generally try to avoid the things that cause us discomfort (avoidance) whilst simultaneously hanging on to the things that bring us comfort (clinging).
This is the default mode of operation of the human race.
Caught in a matrix between clinging and avoiding, while simultaneously trying to get our needs met and keep ourselves comfortable, we generally find our happiness determined by the extent to which we can influence the behaviors of those around us. In other words, it is control of others that matters in our current conception of the world; the CEO who can order 500 layoffs at a stroke, the cage fighter who can get away with rude behavior because he is physically dangerous to those around him, and the President of a militarily-powerful nation that threatens other countries with use of force, all have in common this trait of control and influence. Because they can all cause great discomfort to those around them, and influence how and whether hundreds or thousands of people get their needs met, we recognize them as powerful.
It’s no wonder that personal relationships are often viewed through the same lens. So we ask, Who has more options in the relationship? They have more power. Who is more willing to leave? They also have more power, more leverage. This is just another way of saying, Who is more willing to cause discomfort to another in order to influence that other’s behavior so that it it makes them more comfortable?
And herein lies the real secret of total control of the women in your life. What follow is a simple, 4-step formula for success in getting women to do precisely what you want them to do:
It’s using the power of clinging and avoiding — the carrot and the stick — together to get the most effective result possible. We want our girlfriends to stay with us, but on our terms. We want people to please us the way we want to be pleased. Of course, we usually want to please them too, but mostly because they please us in some way — I can only speak for myself when I say that my natural instinct, as a man, is to optimize the pleasure and comfort I am getting. This means removing sources of discomfort and magnifying sources of comfort.
In relationships, this means getting women to change.
I’ve had women quit smoking for me, change jobs for me, start habits, cut off friends, change their use of language, their driving habits, travel long distances repeatedly over time, and, of course, pay for the pleasure of hanging out with me. If you’ve been in the game for any length of time, odds are you have too. I’ve thought about all those changes women have made for me over the years, and I consider most of them failures of imagination.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize that getting other people to do what you want is not real power, and changing others’ behaviors does not mean you have control over them. Getting women to do exactly what you want limits the woman and inhibits your own growth.
If this is making no sense to you, don’t panic — you’re not alone; it won’t make sense to most people, even if you try to convince them:
Girl: Oh you’re not happy? What can I change to make things better for you?
Boy: I don’t want you to change anything. I’m just telling you what makes me unhappy.
Girl: But I want to make you happy! I can make you happy if you just tell me what needs to change!
Boy: There is literally nothing I want you to change because of my unhappiness.
Girl: There must be something!
Boy: I don’t want you to change for me. If you change just for me, that will make me TWICE as unhappy.
Girl: Well, I’ll just change X, Y and Z, since that is clearly what is making you unhappy.
The above conversation — yes, it actually happened to me — is an example of how this dynamic plays out. It is extraordinarily difficult to break yourself out of this mindset — let alone other people. It is, in fact, a mindset I voluntarily chose to operate in for years, given that my interactions with others who also used that mindset would be basically unworkable if I persisted in approaching them with it.
An Alternate Method
Back to the topic at hand; why do I think this transactional I’ll-Change-For-You model is so flawed? And, perhaps more importantly, what am I offering to replace it?
To the first point, I know from long experience that changes made for others are rarely changes that will endure. The girls who quit smoking for me took it right back up as soon as I left their lives. The girls who drove long distances to see me or changed their behaviors while I was around stopped traveling, and probably changed their behaviors right back, once I was no longer in the equation.
The very act of doing something for someone else is often insufficient motivation to continue that behavior — no matter how healthy it may be — in the absence of that motivation (i.e., the person). On the other hand, it is quite possible, I believe, for an interaction with your lover to bring awareness to a behavior, trait or personal characteristic that needs to change. For instance, if I decide I’m going to leave a woman because she is still struggling with alcoholism and not dedicating herself to recovery, that is a decision I can make for myself alone, without placing any requirement or constraint on her (”I will only date you if you are in recovery”), that may provide her with a loud enough wake-up call that she dedicates herself to the habit of recovery. . . for her own sake.
That, to the second point, is what I believe is the more egalitarian, healthy way to interact with others whose behavior you might like to see changed. The root of this equation is the question why. Why do I want to see her (or his) behavior changed so badly?
- Is it because it hurts me?
- Is it because it places me in danger? (I once convinced a woman to stop running red lights and blowing stop signs. No joke)
- Is it because it places that person in danger?
- Is it because it is unlawful, immoral, or personally repugnant?
- Is it because it’s a tad bit irritating?
- Is it all of the above?
Once you have answered that question, it is your responsibility to communicate the impact of that person’s behavior to that person, in as simple and direct a way as possible. Without diverging into an entire article on the power and effectiveness of empathic communication, you want something like:
Whenever I see you light up another cigarette, I feel sick. I care for you so much that I don’t want to see you hurt, and seeing you inhale carcinogens is definitely hurting you. Because of this, I’ve chosen not to be around you when you smoke. I know I can’t change you and I don’t want to change you. I want you to be healthy and free of addiction, but that is about my wants, not yours. So I’ve decided I won’t be around you when you smoke.
It’s not perfect, but it gives the general gist. It’s very important to separate your issue (pain at seeing her smoke) from her issues (general addiction, self-destructive tendencies, oral fixation, whatever else). The important thing is not to judge, label, diagnose, or prescribe behaviors. In other words: no “You’re an addict” or “You should stop smoking” but rather “I have a problem with your smoking” or “I can’t take watching it anymore”.
This is real communication. Its essence is sharing, and bringing awareness to another of how their behavior impacts or affects you — but never demanding change or even suggesting it. Trust me when I tell you that there is enormous power in simply accepting someone 100% as you found them, flaws and defects and all, and telling them (and really meaning it) that such state is OK with you, and always will be. Some have told me that is the very definition of true love, and although I reserve judgment on such a weighty matter until more evidence is in, I find myself leaning ever more in that direction.
My suggestion here is that more true and open communication will result in a more fulfilling partnership, wherein both parties are committed to the goal of growing alongside one another — not growing into the same person, or engaging in growth that is codependent (of which more anon), but rather growing along their own paths whilst cultivating thoughts, feelings and actions are mutually supportive and mutually reinforcing.
One caveat: of course it sounds good to put it down on paper — but I won’t pretend to be an expert at this sort of egalitarian relationship. I’ll let you know when I’ve got it 100% nailed down. I’m not holding my breath, and neither should you.