As a man, you shouldn’t tolerate lack of emotional intelligence in women.
Let me rephrase that. As a man, you have the right to demand exactly as much emotional intelligence from women as you display yourself.
As someone who didn’t start out with a lot of it, I can tell you that almost nothing is harder to develop in yourself.
I can also tell you few things will up your game as solidly as developing emotional intelligence.
Three Easy Steps to Uncovering Emotional Intelligence
Sometime during the first couple of meetings with a new woman, you’ll want to expose her to the following questions / scenarios.
1. Exposure to male rivals
Give her an opportunity to flirt with other men in front of you. These could be her male friends, her male exes, your (attractive and similarly high-value) male friends, or strangers. Watch carefully how she responds. DO NOT FLIRT WITH OTHER FEMALES PRIOR TO THIS EXPOSURE. This will screw the results — some women will do “retaliation flirting” when they otherwise wouldn’t.
Does she flirt with other men? Blatantly or subtly? Does she keep checking over her shoulder to make sure you’re looking at her, or is she totally oblivious to where you are? If she’s checking on you, she’s usually doing the flirting out of insecurity, or just to gauge your reaction, and is still very much interested in you. If she’s disengaged from you (i.e. not checking visually with you every so often), that’s a much worse sign.
If she continues flirting past the moment where the point is made (you come over to her side and display somewhat possessive behavior, communicating, OK, this girl is mine, cool babe I’m glad you can attract other girls, that has raised your value in my eyes, let’s go re-validate ourselves in my bed now) she is either too emotionally unintelligent to get the signals, or trying to push some other agenda. Maybe she fancies a threesome with this other man. Maybe she’s just being a dumb broad. Spank accordingly.
2. The Display of Weakness
Women love chinks in your armor. No really, they do. Far from outing you as lacking alpha characteristics or suitability for her, they humanize you, bring you down to earth, and also show her where she can sink her claws in (insecure women, like most insecure people, like to feel they have an “ace in the hole” they can pull out to denigrate you if they’re ever feeling especially insecure).
So, go ahead and display some weakness — publicly (yes, this one does require you be secure enough to get over your ego for a few minutes). Doing this when it’s just you and her is revealing, but nowhere near as revealing as when it is in public in mixed company.
It doesn’t matter if you flub an easy math question, say something stupid about geography, or make an ignorant-sounding comment — or otherwise temporarily lower your value deliberately. You can do this in front of your friends, her friends, a mixed group, or a group of strangers neither of you know. Just do it, and see how she responds.
Does she:
A) Capitalize on the opportunity, and make fun of you in front of (your/her) friends?
B) Ignore it?
C) Jump in and try to mitigate your mistake?
D) Wait for the dominant group reaction to emerge, and then follow that?
If (A), she is sadly lacking in emotional intelligence. Depending on how you know her, she could also just be insecure and feeling previously betrayed or hurt by you, and trying to lash out at you in retaliation. Again, retaliation in women = not a great sign, no matter what your plans are for her. But given the modern world, it’s all too common, of course.
If (B), you’re golden. She’s overlooking your faults. She’s very into you.
If (C), you’re super golden. This girl is so into you she’s trying to cover your ass. You might consider her viability as a long, long term relationship partner.
If (D), she’s not only lacking in emotional intelligence, she’s lacking in the basic skill of self-determination and initiative. Dump at the earliest possible opportunity.
3. The “Ex” Factor
Ask her to describe her past relationships. Specifically, ask her to describe to you her longest, most meaningful boyfriend — and their breakup.
While she does, take note of the level of detail, specificity and clarity with which she describes him. Take note especially of how she describes the reason for their breakup — principally how she relates the emotional narrative for each party (her and him).
If her description is simplistic, lacking in detail, or in any way affected, she is probably lacking in emotional intelligence.
What you are looking for here is a rich, highly-detailed narrative that relates moods and feelings above dates and places. You are also looking to see her go through mini-emotions as she recounts the experience. If she is emotionally blank when recounting the story, troubled waters ahead.
Also watch out for women who only recount their feelings, and leave the guy’s emotions out of it completely. These women are usually highly narcissistic and therefore more trouble than they’re worth.
You can learn a lot about a woman’s level of emotional intelligence by hearing her relate emotionally-charged stories like past big breakups. Does she understand how one person’s actions affect another’s emotions? Does she understand that it takes two to tango? Does she show emotional resiliency and a willingness to take care of herself, or is she codependent and completely reactive in relationships?
Of course, all of this analysis needs to take place in the context of the relationship and the particular woman’s situation, and the other screening you’ve done prior. Also keep in mind other contextual and environmental factors — including the time of the month. I have been studying female neurochemistry recently, and boy has it opened up my mind to the importance of female hormone fluctuations (including some specific information on timing that is golden when applied to seduction. Guys, if you’re not cued in to where a woman is in her cycle, you’re not getting the results you otherwise could).
Given all that, however, the above three pointers should go a long way towards making your overall screening package much more robust and accurate.