A lot of what follows may seem like a “wash-behind-your-ears” list; but it’s become clear to me, recently, that an awful lot of fellows need to see a like this back in front of their eyes.
What follows is culled from my own hard experience, and that of several other seducers and seducers-in-training, and although by no means comprehensive, is a list of all-too-common sticking points and hold backs. If you can honestly say you are are doing everything on this list, pat yourself on the back.
In no particular order. . .
9. Listening
Don’t get me wrong; I’ve been identified by some as king of the “uh-huh” and “go on” style of pretend-listening, and am painfully aware that some girls are just begging to be shined on as a result of their inane, mind-numbing prattle.
On the other hand, most women will give you a huge amount of information, if you are looking out for it; oftentimes, the most important info you will get comes from listening not only to what they do say, but what they don’t say; and listening to how they chose to respond to what you do say (and don’t say); and finally, the fine art of rephrasing and reflecting the emotional content of their messages (empathic listening) that gives them more time and space to develop their conversational threads (see my article How to Turbocharge your Listening Skills for more).
It’s amazing sometimes just how long a woman will develop a particular thread before she realizes you haven’t stepped in with judgment, or advice, or dismissal. It’s also incredibly healthy, and many women will fall in love with you a little bit just for listening to them in this way.
8. Getting your body language dialed in…totally
If your body language isn’t dialed in yet, you need to fix it. My recommendation is to focus on 1-2 body parts per week and think almost obsessively about getting that part of your body to behave during that week.
For instance, week 1: tight shoulders: focus several times a day on relaxing your shoulders, letting them hang as low and squared as possible. Week 2: sitting posture and taking up space: try to sprawl out as much as possible, as though you were in your own living room, etcetera etcetera.
Body language is harped on constantly in seduction literature, but for good reason: it’s absolutely essential to projecting the message of dominance and leadership to the women around you.
7. Automating the meeting / # closing using online social networking sites
There’s really no excuse anymore; say what you like about how online game isn’t “as effective” or as fast as doing things in real life, you can’t deny that it’s another valuable tool in your tool box if you’re using it correctly. Start with how easy social networking sites make it to research your “target market” (as well as browse women within very specific criteria ranges), throw in a mixture of batch-processed copy-and-paste emails from a list of proven performers, and you’ve got the recipe for a numbers-based approach to seduction that can net you serious success. Anecdotally, one of my longest (and hottest) girlfriends to date came off MySpace pickup, and plenty of other successful guys have similar stories.
To get started, take a spin through Heartwork’s excellent MySpace method.
6. Going to the Gym…Regularly
But you already go to the gym! But do you really? On a regular basis, I mean, and without fail? Is it a habit, part of your life? I know lots of guys who “work out” and “hit the gym”, but only when they feel like it, or have nothing better to do, or want to sound impressive to their male buddies or women they’re hitting on.
The best results from the gym come have a lot in common with the best results in pickup: they follow after studious, disciplined, long-term time and energy investment. I’m definitely not saying you have to spend 10 hours a week in the gym. In fact, the fewer hours the better; just be sure you’re bringing your full attention, engagement and intensity to each workout. (See the 5 factor workout for a great workout plan). And make it a habit, dammit!
5. Not hanging a mirror in the bedroom
If you’re one of those guys who makes jokes about having a mirror on his ceiling but would never actually dream of it, I know what you’re thinking right now: how uncouth. I used to be in your shoes. Then I got my first mirror and put it facing my bed.
I don’t need to go into detail on what happened next, but let’s say that the women in my life were very appreciative. Some girls may be turned off by it, but in my experience, the vast majority of them get a charge out of it. It makes a great bonding experience for her to see you ravaging her from a 3rd-person perspective.
Don’t try to pass it off as too expensive or high-maintenance, either — a good, classy mirror can be had for about $10 at Ikea (not counting mounting hardware, but who needs that anyway — got a decent baseboard? Balance that bitch).
This item goes right along with the next one…
4. Under-decorating your pad
Your house is an extension of your personality, and should convey many, many positive things about you. But more than that, it should be a genuine expression of your aesthetic and style. If I walk into another bare-ass white-walled room, or generic West Elm’ed-out condo owned by a man who thinks he is cool because he is “minimalist” or “hip”, I swear I’m going to set the drapes on fire and go Jackson Pollack on the place with acrylics.
One of the best seducers I’ve ever met had a massive 150-gallon fish tank right next to his DJ turntables, and between his flags from Thailand and Lebanon, which were framed by his home-made claymore.
Not to suggest there’s anything super-unique about hand-forged swords or random flags, just that all that stuff was congruent to him. It’s your space; make it look that way.
3. Being social with barkeeps, shop staff, servers, restaurant owners, check-out clerks, professors, traffic cops, etc…
Everybody needs to get laid. Everybody also works. If you live in the United States, you probably encounter 2-3 service people a day (our economy is now almost entirely service-based). If you’re not practicing your witty banter and seduction skills on them, you’re missing a huge opportunity. Not sure where to start? Ask them how their day is going — and actually care. Learning to asking is easy; learning to genuinely care is where you’ll make great strides.
2. “Buying” non-alcoholic drinks at the bar
A new routine I’ve implemented: walk up to barkeep. Introduce yourself and run typical bar-keep game. Order a cranberry juice. Fork over $2 and a big smile. Later, rinse repeat. Cranberry juice is so sweet I can only down 1-2 a night for a whopping total of $4. When I used to order alcohol (at a markup of 4-6%) that amount wouldn’t even cover the tip on my 3-4 G&T’s.
Think about it: you’re paying the bartender for his or her service. The bartender appreciates the fact that you are ordering a really, really, really easy drink to prepare. Greedy and unctuous owners of the bar/pub/nightclub will not miss your hard-earned cash, since their pockets are already lined with the cash of others who are willing to happily fork over 4-6x more cash than they would to have the same experience they could have in the luxury of their own home.
Guys, a gift for all of you: stop drinking when you go out. Not only will you save money, you will feel, look, and perform better all night long. If you like drinking (and I do), it should be reserved for relaxed time with your best buds or people you really trust, so you can let loose and get a bit sloppy, rather than when you’re “on” and working with a large room full of strangers, any number of whom might be considering whether or not you should be fucked, married, or killed.
1. Going out
The #1 thing you guys aren’t doing that is hurting your success with women…is not meeting them. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, so even if you DO go out but DON’T approach that hottie, you may as well have not gone out at all.
There is a caveat to this recommendation, however. If you’re like me, you can have a tendency to become a bit obsessive about doggedly going out, even when it may be that you’re not in good enough shape to get much out of it.
Unless you’re doing a 30-day challenge, I’d recommend assessing yourself each night before going out. There’s nothing that says you have to go out EVERY SINGLE NIGHT (or even every single weekend night). If the choice is between going out on both Friday and Saturday and getting sick, and staying at home with a movie on a Friday night and staying healthy, I know which option I’d pick.