As a pretty straightforward guy, I take issue with some of the game-playing I see advocated in the seduction industry.
Don’t get me wrong; we are currently light-years ahead of where the industry started (with neuro-linguistic hypnotism and “fast seduction”). There are more and more seduction gurus talking in a language that speaks to both men and women, and recognizes them as equal partners in this mating game.
There is still plenty of bad advice, though, and so, for this post, I am going to pull out all the stops in describing how you can Become a Man She Can Respect. Not just get wet for, not just fuck one time, not just recommend to her friends…but a man she will actually respect and want to hang out with, and hang on to, for the long term.
The Basics
The following are the absolute basics you will need in order to become a well-respected man.
That’ s it.
If you can master those three things without any thought, you can stop reading.
If, on the other hand, you feel (as most men do) lacking in one of those areas — or one listed below — then read on to determine how you in particular might become more respected.
Integrity
To have integrity is to be complete and full, and contained within yourself.
Think of the other uses of the word. A ship’s hull is said to have ‘integrity’ when it properly keeps the water out. A bucket is said to have ‘integrity’ when it is sound and keeps things in.
In most seduction literature, the rules are “do whatever it takes to get laid”, even if that means fucking off a friend, lying to women, or going against your own deeply held beliefs.
Making a decision (even a bad decision) and sticking to it is having integrity. Making a decision you know is right, even in the face of unpleasant outcomes for you or those around you, is also having integrity. Doing what you say you will do is having integrity to your word — and for a man, the integrity you have to your word is one of the most important things you own.
If you say to your woman in a very serious way, “You have to leave in 5 minutes” and then let her stay another 15, you have not had integrity to your word, and she knows she can sway you. You are not self-contained, but tractable. If you say to your friend, “I will definitely pick that up for you and bring it over,” but then your woman distracts you with sex and you fail to do so, you have let your friend down, and your woman sees that getting laid is for you more important than solidarity to your promises.
If you go against your own word, nothing you say will ever have deep meaning to your woman, and you will be unable to touch her with your words. The same is true of your male friends. This is why cultivating integrity to your word is so important — the world won’t take you seriously until you do.
Being able to keep secrets, promises, and confidence are all crucial to your overall integrity.
If you don’t have integrity, you will be at the mercy of your woman and the world, and both will take advantage of you.
Consistency
I’m not talking here about the sort of consistency that would make a woman bored in a relationship, or less attracted to you. I’m talking about a consistent set of responses to her behaviors.
Inconsistency is mostly justified in seduction literature as a way to keep women guessing and slightly off-balance so you, as the seducer, maintain the upper hand. Being consistent is just as seductive, but in a very different way. A woman who knows you will respond in the same way when she behaves in her own certain ways will find you dependable and, along with your integrity, be attracted to the fact that she can come to rely on you.
An example would be a woman’s misbehavior. If she is in the habit of throwing crying fits or getting unreasonable and emotional at certain junctures, you don’t have to put up with it. You can grab her and change her state, or refuse to be around her, or simply ignore her emotionality, as long as you are consistent about it. A man who changes his approach every time is casting about for the combination that “works”, and that is a logical, left-brained approach that is under girded by the desire to make the woman and the relationship “work”.
Or look at a woman who is late all the time. She is consistently late, so the ideal is to be consistent in your response to her lateness. This should not involve trying to change the woman. Rather, it should involve a consistent set of behavioral responses. If you are going to be patient, be patient always. If angry, be angry always. If adaptive (for instance, telling her to meet you a consistent amount of time earlier than you actually want to meet), then be consistently adaptive. This will set up a very easily-recognizable pattern. The point of the pattern is not to “fix” the woman’s behavior, but rather to call attention to the overall dynamic. If both parties can be made sufficiently aware of the dynamic and agree it is worth changing, only then can efforts be made to change it.
A woman should know what to expect from you. This is NOT to say you should never surprise her, sweep her off her feet, take her away for the weekend when she doesn’t expect it, force her to play hookey from work. Be dynamic and interesting. But don’t be inconsistent, and certainly don’t be inconsistent in an attempt to befuddle and therefore control her. That is behavior for lower-status girls who are insecure and thrive on drama and the wild swing of emotions.
Boundaries
If you’re not yet familiar with the concept of boundaries, it might be time to start reading some psychology texts.
The concept is taken straight from psychology, and basically describes the extent to which individuals “own” the circumstances of their lives, including their emotions, motivations, likes, dislikes, and goals. People with very poor boundaries are prone to engage in the magical thinking that everyone around them is like them, and therefore attribute to others their own wants, needs, preferences, emotions, and motivations.
Someone with poor boundaries will give a gift that they themselves want. They will ask deeply personal questions without realizing they are violating social norms. They will assume a level of familiarity not appropriate to the situation and act on it with regularity.
A common example of poor boundaries is the individual who over-shares personal information. If they apologize for their social mistake, they may assume what emotional reaction their audience is having. People with poor boundaries are “psychic” in this way and also frequently unable to cope with criticism or hearing their assumptions proved wrong.
Good boundaries in relationships, then, involve being able to differentiate between your emotions, needs and wants, and those of your partner. Good boundaries also allow us to choose which topics we will and will not discuss, things we will and won’t do, and the extent to which we allow others to determine our own mood and emotion.
A woman who says “You put me in a bad mood this morning” is demonstrating weak boundaries, and is also confused about cause and effect. It is not you that forced her into a negative emotional state; it was her own decision to allow her initial bad emotions (that may have been triggered by something you said or did) to evolve into a full-blown bad mood.
Becoming Respectable - In Depth
If you’ve mastered the three points above — having integrity, being consistent in your behaviors, and having good emotional boundaries — you are well on your way. There is more that can be done to win respect, however.
Being dominant without taking advantage of her
Women are attracted to dominant men. Full stop.
There is a difference, however, between a man who is dominant and in control, and a man who is a bully and gets his way however he can.
In order to be respected, you must use your dominance with responsibility. You can overwhelm and overpower women as long as you do it with the proper intent, an intent they can feel. David Deida’s words ring very true here: “The difference between rape and ravishment is love.”
Not belittling her and not accepting her belittling of you
A lot of seduction literature advocates language that denigrates or belittles women. This is OK for women who love to be denigrated or belittled. For women with higher self-esteem, however, it won’t work.
You ought to tease women, absolutely. Poke fun, make light, make sport. But when the teasing crosses the line into meanness, you have made an enemy. Your enemy will retaliate, often in a way you will never see coming or even connect to the original slight. By their mid-teens most all Western women have perfected the art of “getting even”, blood for blood. Their feuds with their schoolroom friends are far bloodier than fights between you and her will ever be.
If a woman starts it by seriously belittling you, there is an opportunity for you to set good boundaries by demonstrating with your behavior how totally unacceptable that is. If she does it again, you must show consistency in your behavior and have integrity to your word by letting her feel the repercussions. A third time demonstrates she is not a woman you can relate to as a high-quality man.
If you accidentally cross the line and say something she understands as belittling, when you were just attempting to tease but were mis-calibrated, requires an honest apology and explanation of the situation, and an immediate change to her state.
Respecting her time; showing up when and where you say
This is more of a personal preference, but I believe it should be universal.
Some seduction gurus — including very well-respected ones — have in the past suggested “testing” women by showing up late, missing meetings, etc, just to probe their resiliency and response. Do they flip out, lose interest, etc. This is just game playing. It may be interesting from a ’social dynamics’ perspective, but if you are actually interested in a woman, you need to honor the fact that this is a potential relationship, not a science lab, and you should not be playing with her in this way.
It is not adult behavior, and those people who want to have adult relationships will automatically take themselves out of the running with you, because they know they deserve better.
The Overall Guide to Being a Respectable Man
You should be seeing the patterns and the gist of this article emerging. In general, if you wish to be respected, you must respect others; you must have integrity to your word and yourself, show consistency in behaviors, and develop clear boundaries; you must be your own person and not bend to her manipulations; you must refrain from game playing; you must follow through on plans, be generally responsible and dependable, and engage in adult behavior.
This is not to say you must be super-serious and boring. All of this can be balanced with a fun-loving, carefree, impish and impudent personality. I know because I’ve done it. Exploring yourself in relationships will eventually lead you to the conclusion that you can integrate many seemingly contradictory parts of your personality into a surprising, lovable whole that is both totally unique and cohesive on a larger scale.
Now go, and do so respectably!