How to Tell if a Girl has Emotional Intelligence
As a man, you shouldn’t tolerate lack of emotional intelligence in women.
Let me rephrase that. As a man, you have the right to demand exactly as much emotional intelligence from women as you display yourself.
As someone who didn’t start out with a lot of it, I can tell you that almost nothing is harder to develop in yourself.
I can also tell you few things will up your game as solidly as developing emotional intelligence.
Three Easy Steps to Uncovering Emotional Intelligence
Sometime during the first couple of meetings with a new woman, you’ll want to expose her to the following questions / scenarios.
1. Exposure to male rivals
Give her an opportunity to flirt with other men in front of you. These could be her male friends, her male exes, your (attractive and similarly high-value) male friends, or strangers. Watch carefully how she responds. DO NOT FLIRT WITH OTHER FEMALES PRIOR TO THIS EXPOSURE. This will screw the results — some women will do “retaliation flirting” when they otherwise wouldn’t.
Does she flirt with other men? Blatantly or subtly? Does she keep checking over her shoulder to make sure you’re looking at her, or is she totally oblivious to where you are? If she’s checking on you, she’s usually doing the flirting out of insecurity, or just to gauge your reaction, and is still very much interested in you. If she’s disengaged from you (i.e. not checking visually with you every so often), that’s a much worse sign.
If she continues flirting past the moment where the point is made (you come over to her side and display somewhat possessive behavior, communicating, OK, this girl is mine, cool babe I’m glad you can attract other girls, that has raised your value in my eyes, let’s go re-validate ourselves in my bed now) she is either too emotionally unintelligent to get the signals, or trying to push some other agenda. Maybe she fancies a threesome with this other man. Maybe she’s just being a dumb broad. Spank accordingly.
2. The Display of Weakness
Women love chinks in your armor. No really, they do. Far from outing you as lacking alpha characteristics or suitability for her, they humanize you, bring you down to earth, and also show her where she can sink her claws in (insecure women, like most insecure people, like to feel they have an “ace in the hole” they can pull out to denigrate you if they’re ever feeling especially insecure).
So, go ahead and display some weakness — publicly (yes, this one does require you be secure enough to get over your ego for a few minutes). Doing this when it’s just you and her is revealing, but nowhere near as revealing as when it is in public in mixed company.
It doesn’t matter if you flub an easy math question, say something stupid about geography, or make an ignorant-sounding comment — or otherwise temporarily lower your value deliberately. You can do this in front of your friends, her friends, a mixed group, or a group of strangers neither of you know. Just do it, and see how she responds.
Does she:
A) Capitalize on the opportunity, and make fun of you in front of (your/her) friends?
B) Ignore it?
C) Jump in and try to mitigate your mistake?
D) Wait for the dominant group reaction to emerge, and then follow that?
If (A), she is sadly lacking in emotional intelligence. Depending on how you know her, she could also just be insecure and feeling previously betrayed or hurt by you, and trying to lash out at you in retaliation. Again, retaliation in women = not a great sign, no matter what your plans are for her. But given the modern world, it’s all too common, of course.
If (B), you’re golden. She’s overlooking your faults. She’s very into you.
If (C), you’re super golden. This girl is so into you she’s trying to cover your ass. You might consider her viability as a long, long term relationship partner.
If (D), she’s not only lacking in emotional intelligence, she’s lacking in the basic skill of self-determination and initiative. Dump at the earliest possible opportunity.
3. The “Ex” Factor
Ask her to describe her past relationships. Specifically, ask her to describe to you her longest, most meaningful boyfriend — and their breakup.
While she does, take note of the level of detail, specificity and clarity with which she describes him. Take note especially of how she describes the reason for their breakup — principally how she relates the emotional narrative for each party (her and him).
If her description is simplistic, lacking in detail, or in any way affected, she is probably lacking in emotional intelligence.
What you are looking for here is a rich, highly-detailed narrative that relates moods and feelings above dates and places. You are also looking to see her go through mini-emotions as she recounts the experience. If she is emotionally blank when recounting the story, troubled waters ahead.
Also watch out for women who only recount their feelings, and leave the guy’s emotions out of it completely. These women are usually highly narcissistic and therefore more trouble than they’re worth.
You can learn a lot about a woman’s level of emotional intelligence by hearing her relate emotionally-charged stories like past big breakups. Does she understand how one person’s actions affect another’s emotions? Does she understand that it takes two to tango? Does she show emotional resiliency and a willingness to take care of herself, or is she codependent and completely reactive in relationships?
Of course, all of this analysis needs to take place in the context of the relationship and the particular woman’s situation, and the other screening you’ve done prior. Also keep in mind other contextual and environmental factors — including the time of the month. I have been studying female neurochemistry recently, and boy has it opened up my mind to the importance of female hormone fluctuations (including some specific information on timing that is golden when applied to seduction. Guys, if you’re not cued in to where a woman is in her cycle, you’re not getting the results you otherwise could).
Given all that, however, the above three pointers should go a long way towards making your overall screening package much more robust and accurate.
June 1st, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Hello, can you please post the references for your readings on female neurochemistry?.
I always thought it was a good idea to trace variations in a woma´s cycle so to predict reactions and time approaches. Do you notice external clues e.g. skin condition, grooming, smell (use of perfume or sensitiveness to smells), etc?.
Thanks.
June 3rd, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Great advice, as usual. Had seen a post in awhile so I was getting worried…glad you’re back!
June 4th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
[…] How to Tell if a Girl has Emotional Intelligence From: realitymethod.com Interesting post on testing a girl for emotional intelligence before committing to her. » more 1 […]
June 8th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
Can anybody list some good female neurochemistry books?
June 12th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
I found this:
Her Bizarre Behavior Explained
How out-of-whack hormones make women act wacky
She’s Suddenly Furious
The cause: Low progesterone
Next time she tears your head off over nothing, it may be because her progesterone level plummeted. This hormone controls brain synapses, the junctions where neurons exchange messages. In the days prior to a woman’s period, her progesterone drops, making those synapses extra-excitable. As a result, little things trigger big overreactions.
Your best defense: Wait it out. “Don’t even ask her what she wants for dinner — just make something,” says Louann Brizendine, M.D., a neuropsychiatrist at the University of California at San Francisco.
She Bawls Uncontrollably
The cause: An overdose of cortisol
The dial that determines how intensely people feel their emotions is located inside the amygdala, the part of the brain that processes memory and feelings. Those emotions are balanced by the calm, rational part of the brain: the prefrontal cortex. A surge in the stress hormone cortisol, however, can crowd out signals from the prefrontal cortex, letting the amygdala run amok. This turns her emotional response up to 10. So if she starts sobbing after a bad day at work, blame her brain, not her boss.
Your best defense: Trying to solve her problems will only make things worse, so hold her instead. Physical contact boosts levels of oxytocin, which should counterbalance the cortisol and calm her.
She’s Martha Stewart — On Acid
The cause: High estrogen and oxytocin
Whether you call it nurturing or nesting, women sometimes become obsessed with caretaking and homemaking because of an influx of estrogen and oxytocin. These two hormones bring out her innate (and often annoying) mothering instincts. “This usually happens the week after her period ends,” says Dr. Brizendine, adding that the upside of this physiological phenomenon is that it can make her more interested in sex.
Your best defense: Clean the house without being asked and she may want to show her appreciation by helping you buff the dining-room floor, together. — Heather Loeb
http://www.menshealth.com/cda/article.do
?site=MensHealth&channel=sex.relationships&category=better.sex
&conitem=9f7905ad9518f010VgnVCM10000013281eac____&page=0
June 14th, 2008 at 12:39 am
I need to add that Dr. Brizendine is more or less a total quack. Her “research positions” are thin tissues of fantasy. Check this out from amazon.com:
1) The author begins the book by emphasizing her credentials and her influences in the acknowledgements section. The academic pedigree is impressive: UC Berkeley, UCSF, Harvard Med School, Yale Med School, University College, London. She thanks a long list of great scientists, teachers and students who have influenced her thinking. It is an impressive collection of names and places. By implication, the author would seem to be a rare expert who has learned from the greats. So please note: Many of the great scientists listed here are alive. But how many of these people have endorsed the book? Unless I’m mistaken, none of them have endorsed the book. I read a mostly positive review of the book by Deborah Tannen, but it seemed a bit guarded. I didn’t find an endorsement from the renowned gender researcher, Eleanor Maccoby, who reportedly critiqued drafts of the book. It appears that researchers who have dedicated their lives to science and the science of gender have remained silent about this book.
2) The author consistently confuses neural structure (brain) with psychological function (mind, mental performance, emotions, behavior). This is a huge error. The author is extraordinarily fond of citing functional gender differences. She’ll talk about differences in verbal output, memory, eye contact, thoughts about sex, emotions, divorce initiation, aggression, chilhood behaviors, etc. She’ll say these functional effects are in the brain, repeatedly. Good scientific thinking doesn’t confuse these things. Part of the work is to measure sex differences in the brain (e.g., anatomy, physiology, chemistry). A completely separate part of the work is to measure psychological variables (e.g., behaviors, cognitions, emotions, perceptions). The third, most essential part, is to discover true correlations between structure and function. Many of the most egregious and elementary errors of cognitive neuroscience occur when researchers attempt to localize psychological functions inside brain regions or chemicals. All good neuroscientists understand this, but it is a tricky issue. One of my mentors, Davida Teller, spent years contemplating the issues surrounding “linking” hypotheses, while many great neuroscientists have struggled with this third part (Robert Efron, Steve Kosslyn, Georg von Bekesy, Gustav Fechner, and on and on and on). The author’s disregard for this elementary issue is an obvious felony in my book.
3) There are PLENTY of good popular and scientific books and articles on gender differences. Take a look at the work of the eminent cognitive psychologist, Carol Tavris. She has written a scientifically-informed classic, “The Mismeasure of Woman”, along with numerous other excellent articles and books. Or familiarize yourself with scientist Janet Hyde, who has recently authored a college text on gender differences. Tavris, Hyde and others aren’t impressed by data suggesting massive biological differences in most mental functions, especially if the claim is that these differences are innate. Among the people who DO believe in significant gender differences, take a look at authors like Judith Hall and Leslie Brody. Scientists have studied these issues carefully since Maccoby’s heyday. Compared to other sources, “The Female Brain” so simplistic and biased that it seems like a step backward. The current treatment seems dumbed-down and distorted to me.
4) The book felt like an advertisement for certain drug treatments, including controversial hormone therapies and the anti-depressant drug Zoloft. There’s no doubt that the author has expertise in these areas, and most of her scholarly work is in these areas. And she spells out clinical issues and controversies in informative ways. One gets the impression that she’s worked with many women clinically, and added value and comfort to their lives. I can believe these things. But I’m also aware of the rewards for towing the drug company line. Scientists and clinicians get perks for doing this. Beatrice Golomb, one of the most brilliant and courageous scientists on the planet, has discussed how these conflicts of interest compromise the quality of medical care and research. My radar went up when I kept reading about Zoloft. Zoloft is a popular antidepressant but just one brand out of many SSRIs (e.g., Prozac, Celexa, Paxil, Lexapro). Why emphasize Zoloft?
5) The book indulges in male bashing. That becomes immediately evident on the book flap: “Women will come away from this book knowing that they have a lean, mean communicating machine. Men will develop a serious case of brain envy.” Oh really? The negative comments toward men are especially evident in the first third of the book. It seems like the author wants to take men down a few notches to make women feel good, if I’m not mistaken. I felt especially sad as the author discussed infants’ facial gazing. She cited and over-interpreted research on facial gazing, projecting her issues onto her own son, who didn’t gaze much at her face. I can say, having spent many years observing infants’ looking behaviors, that infant boys are generally intrigued by faces, especially mothers’ faces. If there are sex differences, they do not jump out. And if there are measurable differences, how does the author know that these things are innate? (on to the next felony).
6) The author is happy to attribute gender differences to inherent, inborn brain differences. Making that leap so quickly is another “felony.” This is big, complicated issue that has attracted much attention from philosophers, psychologists, and neuroscientists. There’s a whole field of behavioral genetics that struggles with the nature-nurture issue in sophisticated ways. The author claims to be aware of these things, but doesn’t communicate this in a convincing way. She seems to have missed key points regarding environment and socialization. In doing so, she also seems to miss the enormous pioneering contributions of neuroscientist Marian Diamond. Diamond did much to demonstrate the relationship between brain and environment.
7) The author says a minimum amount about the large individual differences that characterize people. She acknowleges within-group variability, but always “finds ways around” these things. She prefers to focus on average differences, and this adds to the dangerous reinforcement of stereotypes. Many human abilities are distributed along a continuum, independent of gender, but the author emphasizes dichotomies. It is dangerous to pidgeonhole people into “the” female mind and “the” male mind.
8) Why is this book called “The Female Brain”? Just 2 years ago, Darlington published a book with the same title. And it really did cover structural and functional brain issues.
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:52 pm
Thirtyplus, you’ve mentioned emotional intelligence several times now, and how important it is in relationships/pickup.
Can you offer any suggestions on how to develop one’s own emotional intelligence?
July 23rd, 2008 at 2:18 am
Kingmaker, that probably deserves an entire post unto itself. Probably a series of posts. It’s an emerging field with incredibly dense books being written on it.
But, yes, it’s a great subject, and that intersection is becoming more and more my niche in this industry. So keep your eyes peeled.
August 7th, 2008 at 3:02 am
This is BS. Just because a woman doesn’t go into detail of past relationships does not mean she isn’t emotionally intelligent.
You have totally put this into black and white context. There are a million and one other reasons as to why a woman is flirting with a man and not looking back at her partner or why she doesn’t jump in and help you out when you say something silly.
You’re all silly - just get out there and make your own assumptions. Do not listen to this crap because you’re just going to fail miserably.
Women are complicated - just as men are. Do you all base your emotional intelligence on these same tests? No - I bet you don’t and neither do women.