The Reality Method 2.0

Archive for August, 2007

Serious Disclaimer
The post I’m about to write is not very sexy. It may strike some guys as “unnecessary” or even “fluffy”. That’s OK, because other people, who are more open-minded, will get a lot out of it anyway.

The bedrock of being good at pick-up, or any other social skill, is self-knowledge. Insight, or the ability to look comprehensively into ourselves and find the truth of our character, is a key key skill for anyone who wants to interface more effectively with the rest of humanity.

In fact, a big part of the reason anyone is considered a social outcast or socially inept is because they lack this insight, this self-knowledge into their actions and/or motivations (think of Napoleon Dynamite). Ironically, insight cuts both ways; the other big reason you find people socially ostracized is because they have too much insight, and are always judging themselves harshly and second-guessing their own actions, until their self-conscious self-analysis imbues their entire persona with an unshakable air of insecurity.

So Player, Know Thyself…starting with the technique described herein.

Writing for Self-Knowledge
The first thing I would advise any gut to do, before he sets out on this journey of Becoming-Good-With-Women, is to sit down and write.

Guys, you need to gain some insight into yourself, your past, and your own beliefs about women — as well as your attitudes, knowledge and skills. You need to put it all down on paper or electrons, so you can go over it slowly and reflect on what it means for you as a potential seducer and you as a man.

I would suggest beginning guys do the following exercise before even opening their first set. It’s no matter if they’ve already opened a thousand; but better late than never. This exercise can and will help every guy who does it, no matter where he is on the Path to Pimpdom — provided he has not done it before.

“Okay thirty, I get you,” you may say, “But what do I write?”

Step I. Just the Facts
You need to write down the sum total of your entire life’s experiences with women, going all the way back to your relationship with the women in your family growing up (sisters, cousins, aunts, mother).

Write it in narrative form first. It doesn’t have to be in excruciating detail; just the general gist will do, especially if you’re older and/or have a lot of experience with women.

The idea is you want to be thorough while still making it a manageable amount of writing. Maybe 3-5 pages is a good target to shoot for. On the other hand, if you start writing and are getting a lot out of the process, just keep going.

When writing, don’t focus on analysis or commentary; just be factual. The focus should be on events as well as you remember them, not your interpretations of them or analysis after the fact (and certainly not in the context of any pick-up related skills or theories). I wouldn’t want to read “I am bad with women because my older brother was always AMOGing me growing up.”)

Cut the lingo and jargon out of your mind for long enough to just set down the factual retelling of your life experience with women.

Then, once you’re done with that, you can move on to Step 2.

Step II. Digging out the payload
Now that you’ve got the facts of your past relationships and interactions with women fresh in mind, it’s time for a more intensive, in-depth examination of the effects those interactions actually had on you.

The following technique is lifted straight from psychologist James A. Pennebaker’s excellent book, Writing to Heal, which verifies the science behind the value of this technique. And although the technique was pioneered as a technique to address trauma survivors, it can also be quite helpful for non-traumatic situations.

This technique requires that you write for 20 minutes each day, for one full work week — 5 days. It’s best if you do each day after the next, that is, in sequence, with no breaks.

It is also best if you write for no fewer than 20 minutes each day (more is fine). These are the stipulations upheld by the research, which shows the best benefits coming from this intervals and increments of writing.

What do you write about for 20 minutes a day? You write about your interactions with women, only this time you are not restricted to just the facts, but are encouraged to go into analysis, rumination, and (especially) emotion.

As part of this, you will probably want to write what I call a “relationship retrospective“. This is just a re-telling of the details of your serious relationships. Most guys, no matter how socially isolated, will have some relationship-like experience with women. Describe the girl, how well you think she met your needs at the time, the major lessons you learned in the relationship, and what you spent most of your time in the relationship doing. Maybe also helpful to write the positives and negatives of the relationship overall, and how each contributed to how long it lasted, or how it played out.

In fact, the more authentic and true to your gut the information you write down, the more effective this exercise will be.

Maybe you were really hurt in a bad breakup, or maybe you have a lot of rage towards certain women in your life. Whatever the case, put it down, for 20 minutes a day, 5 days in a row. Write down every thing a girl has ever said that made you feel great, or inadequate; every fucking rejection or slap in the face; every break-up or let’s-hook-up conversation; every triumph as well as every tragedy, and how each impacted you.

Pennebaker suggests that you write continuously, i.e. without picking your pen up from the paper to ensure no pauses, and I agree, although lifting pen from paper or fingers from keys is ok as long as it’s just for a couple seconds to gather your thoughts.

If you get stuck and can’t think of anything to write, just repeat the last line as many times as necessary until a new thought comes into your head.

And speaking of that, I want to underscore just how primal this exercise should feel. It should feel as though your mind is spilling directly onto the page via your hand — not pre-meditated or censored at all. The really good stuff you will get only by letting your mind run wild and “say anything”.

The Payoff
The reality is, if you do both parts of this exercise diligently and follow the directions (and I would strongly recommend Pennebaker’s book for a more complete and thorough description of how to do it and get more out of it), then you will tap into some primal stuff, some things you did not realize you thought.

At the end, you will have a much fuller, richer, and more comprehensive understanding of yourself and where you stand in relation to women.

And finally, and perhaps most importantly, you will feel better.

In whatever way you had harbored negative energy towards women — whether it be frustration, judgment, or just plain ill will — you will now have at lot of that negativity bled off.

Maybe not all, but a lot.

That’s why the book on the topic is called Writing to Heal. Not that it’s assumed that everyone is “sick” with regards to women — just that the simple act of externally processing our past experiences, especially those loaded with emotional content, will clear out the hung-up or “stuck” emotional payloads, leaving instead a smoother and richer (not to mention more balanced) emotional life.

This is just one of many exercises you as a man can do to make a positive impact on your “internals” or “inner game”. To my understanding, working on your inner game or your “internals” is just the process of getting your emotions right, so they don’t unexpectedly hamstring you when you’re mid-stream with a woman.

So do the above exercise; even if the effects are not immediately apparent, it will help you in the long run.