Managing Open Relationships: Fuck Buddies and Friends with Benefits
When I was younger, I loved open relationships.
People call them “no strings attached” relationships, “fuck buddies” or “friends with benefits”, but whatever name they go by, for most men they are hard to pass up — there is something intensely satisfying about being able to ring up a girl at 11PM, be having sex with her at 11:30, and then be saying goodbye to her by 2:30AM.
Of course, as I got older I realized this had a lot to do with fear of abandonment and commitment, but I was able to address those issues in time, and develop healthier long-term relationships as well.
But when you’re young it’s time to play a bit, to sow those wild oats and, more importantly, to get a good cross-section of experience with a variety of different partners without getting too serious. It’s like dancing: you can’t tell who’s a good partner unless you’ve had some experience with bad partners.
The problem, of course, is that “open relationships” are hard to pull off without one person “catching feelings” for the other, feelings that won’t necessarily be returned in kind.
In this post I want to talk a little about the different types of open relationships, and a few examples of what NOT to do if you really want to maintain a girl at FB or FWB status indefinitely.
Friends with Benefits versus Fuck Buddies
I do think there is a difference, and I do think it is important to be clear about what sort of relationship status you are trying to achieve with a girl.
If you can get her to admit to it, and talk with you about it, it’s best to get her on the same page, as well. Deep down, she might harbor desires for more — but as long as she’s agreed outwardly to play by the rules, you’ve covered your bases.
On the other hand, I’ve known plenty of women who have no problem with open relationships, and are less likely to get attached than some men I know.
Friends with Benefits (FWB): This is the relationship where the friendship bond is stronger than the sexual bond. You two may have developed a friendship first, and made it sexual in a moment of weakness (or passion, or frustration, or rebound) — or sometimes, you will have a strong sexual attraction, but one or the other person decides they want a friendship bond in place as well (usually for comfort and security needs).
Fuck Buddy (FB): A relationship where the sexual bond is really the only bond. These are the true “booty calls” — the people you know you can call at almost any hour of the day or night and, if they’re not doing anything, will come over for a shag. This liaison is extremely casual, low-key, low-investment and no-maintenance.
Whereas with FWB there is a bona fide friendship to maintain, with FBs there is really nothing but an agreement to share sexual experiences whenever it’s convenient.
Friends with benefits are further distinct from Fuck Buddies in that FWB usually go out socially in groups of mutual friends, and do fun non-sexual “friend”-style things, like parties or movies or camping or plays.
So what differentiates a FWB from a full-blown relationship, you might ask? The absence of monogamy. That’s really the only thing.
How to Keep an Open Relationship, Open
Keeping relationships open is not difficult, it just requires a little backbone. Below are some rough tips:
General guidelines for Open Relationships:
– Do be upfront about your intentions. You don’t have to be blunt or crass (”Ok so You are now my new fuck-buddy”) but you should be unequivocal, especially if she seems unclear (”I’m not looking for a monogamous relationship right now”).
– Do let her know if what you want from the relationship changes (either towards a more committed or less committed status). If she doesn’t like it, she will have to either negotiate or leave. More on relationship ratcheting below.
– Do make it clear that you are seeing other girls (socially and sexually): but by implication only. Do NOT wave it in her face or remind her too frequently.
– Do set your boundaries and stick to them (more specific boundary examples below).
– Do not be sexually judgmental of her, ever.
To establish and hold a FWB
– Do fun “friendship” activities with her (whatever you both like and agree on)
– Do hang out with her without anything sexual happening once in a while
– Do give her good enough sex that she’ll make a good report to her female friends
– Do not make love to her
– Do not buy her things, especially if she asks you to
– Do not accept any instances of her calling you her “boyfriend”, either in front of you or behind your back; shut that shit down before it starts
To establish and hold a FB
All of the “do nots” from FWB above, plus:
– Do not only booty call he when you’re drunk / as a last resort (she can tell)
– Do not socialize with her in a non-sexual way
– Do not intro her to your friends or show interest in an intro to hers
– Do not sex her more than 2x a week at the most; if you sex her 2x in a single week, skip a week
– Do give her extremely good sex
Relationship Ratchets
There are a few things that you might have noticed recurring in the above lists; they are what I think of as Relationship Ratchets, or behaviors / boundaries that I think very clearly indicate the status of the relationship, and the direction it’s headed (more committed / less committed).
I think the big ones are:
Spending money: Spending money on a girl, especially spontaneously, is a clear “provider” signal — it says “I want our relationship to be more serious. I want to provide for you, so you can provide for our kids.” In other words, let’s get married and have kids. This is why it’s SUPER important NOT to spend money on a woman unless that is, in fact, the message you want to convey. On the other hand, if you USED to spend money on a girl, and starting cutting her water off, that will convey that she is falling from your favor.
Frequency of visits: If you see or sex a woman more than 3x a week, it’s LTR-Land for you, buddy (usually). On the other hand, if you have been seeing a woman 3x a week, and start ratcheting it down to 2, then 1, she will usually get the message.
Location of sex: Having sex in bed = more intimate. There’s not a lot of women I actually have sex in my bed with: I’m probably horrible in this respect, I fuck most women on my couch or floor or kitchen or car (or wherever). A lot of guys would probably disagree with me on this; maybe having sex in a sunny field is as intimate as it gets for you; or maybe it’s the bathroom counter. The point is, FIGURE OUT what different sex locations mean FOR YOU and don’t give the sex her in the “intimate” locations unless you want to take things forward.
Frequency of contact Now this isn’t visits: this is phone / email / SMS / internet / snail mail messages. Hint: If you’re talking to a girl every day, no matter what your medium is, you are headed to LTR Land. On the flip side, if you want to dial a girl back from FWB to FB, just return every other call, instead of every one (or whatever percentage). There is a good bit of wiggle room here because of the nature of contacts; you’re going to miss some phone calls, etc.
Commitment Creep
What tends to happen in these open relationships, and what is most important to guard against, is something I call “Commitment Creep”, and it looks like this:
Once you have fucked a girl for long enough, well enough, she will invariably try to progress the relationship to the “next level” of commitment — if a FB, to a FWB…if a FWB, to a LTR….if a LTR, to marriage (if married, to divorce?!)
I believe women are hard-wired to do this, if not for evolutionary reasons, then also with social programming that tells them they will find their happiest state in a committed, financially-entangled relationship with a man (let’s ignore for the moment the conflicting social programming which also tells them they will find their happiest state childless, in the corporate world).
No matter how firm the boundaries you set down at the inception, given enough time and good sex, a woman will always begin testing, probing the edges of your boundaries to see how she can move things along. Stand firm, young soldier: she will follow you lead, even if she doesn’t like it — she will take what she can get (or, maybe she’ll leave, but don’t take that personally, either).
Personal story: Once, a pretty wily girl managed to get me into a LTR with her, when my original intention was just to keep her as a FWB; as soon as I realized this, I ratcheted her back down from a full-blown LTR to a FWB and then a low-rung FB before finally dumping her. It’s not often a girl puts one over on me, but that girl was good; as it happens, I was just a little better. It was funny, though, because it was like a full ladder; from the very bottom to the very top and then all the way down to the very bottom again. There’s really no limit to what you can do with this stuff.
The point is, using the above tools and techniques, you should be able to put the brakes on the “natural progression” for as long as you want or need.
NOTE: for those who feel this entire post is needlessly mechanistic and even manipulative: In an ideal world, I believe relationships should be egalitarian and fully communicative, and the status of the relationship 100% agreed upon by both parties prior to its commencement: but we clearly don’t live in an ideal world (more’s the pity), so we work with what we have. C’esta la vie, ma chérie.
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March 7th, 2007 at 3:16 pm
Thanks, that’s a great article. I think something especially worth watching out for is a girl purpously trying to make you jealous in a subtle ways to upgrade herself from FWB zone to LTR. It doesn’t really make sense when you think about it, being jealous of a girl you really aren’t interested in but somehow a woman can make it happen.
Anyway, could you give a simple example of how you implicate that you’re seeing other women sexually? I’ve just kept my mouth shut about other women.
March 7th, 2007 at 8:03 pm
Ah yes, the old “jealousy” trap….fallen for that one a few times.
To your question: I’ll say a lot of sarcastic half-joking things about women in general: “Gawd, you women don’t give me a moment’s peace” or “You girls just can’t leave me alone” Take anything that the ONE particular girl you are seeing is doing to you and globalize it to a whole herd of other women.
Another thing I do a lot — and this isn’t a tactic, this is just some shit that happens to me because I happen to have a bad memory for certain things — is ask a girl what she was talking about on X day, or to tell me the story again of X or Y subject. And she’ll just look blank, because it was a DIFFERENT girl that told me that story. And I’ll have to say, “Oh, maybe that wasn’t you.” And she’ll looked sort of pissed and fizzled and cross her arms and say, “No. It wasn’t.” Then I make light of it, like “Must have been one of my other girlfriends.” And that takes some of the pressure off.
Hope that makes sense. Glad you enjoyed the article.
March 8th, 2007 at 3:56 am
…always avoid the lovetrap. it’s one thing to have an FB or a FWB, but it’s another when you fall in love with that person, especially if one party’s already married.
it’s like that Sergio Mendez/Black Eyed Peas song: “please baby don’t, don’t fall in love with me…”
March 9th, 2007 at 7:44 pm
>the status of the relationship 100% agreed upon by both parties prior to its commencement
Relationships and feelings are not consciously motivated. Desire and attachment have unconscious motives (in freudian terms). So, as good as it is to be clear about intentions you can´t control feelings just by an early agreement.
Maybe we have to look for indicators that a person can play the game we want and not get hurt.
March 9th, 2007 at 9:49 pm
Very true Phil, and what I write is aimed at teaching people how to look for those indicators.
I put in lines like the one you quoted really just to throw a bone to the “victimhood-mentality” crowd to give them a rhetorical out that allows them to accept what I write with more equanimity.
On a logical level, I think it’s too bad people that most people have such little insight into their own motivations and drives; on a more spiritual level, I think maybe it’s more fun that way.
July 11th, 2007 at 11:24 am
Two questions: One of your rules is “Do Not Make Love To Her” — what the heck is that”? Sex where you say I love you??
Have you ever heard of a guy who goes into one of these things without the intentions and then falls for the girl? I’m a girl in one and I feel like the boundaries were pretty clear from the beginning but now the sex is more passionate than before. I feel uncomfortable with it. Since you mentioned hard-wired…are men hard wired AGAINST wanting relationships with people that they see a certain way.
Lastly, girls who “develop feelings” don’t deserve anything more than they get. for you to be able to reduce a girlfriend from a real girlfriend to just a fuck buddy just means she has serious self-esteem issues. she was probably being pretty manipulative that entire cycle and i’m sure she’s way better off now. (after a bad partner like you :-P)
July 12th, 2007 at 4:17 am
Carrie:
The fact that my rule doesn’t instantly bring to mind the difference between someone making love to you and someone just fucking you tells me you’ve had nothing but a string of bad partners :)
To your second question: yes, of course men fall for girls unintentionally all the time. Lord knows I’ve done it myself.
If the sex in your relationship is getting more passionate, there’s a non-zero probability that your guy is falling for you. Or, it could be something else. Hard to say.
Lastly: I agree, that girl I mentioned DID and DOES have serious self-esteem issues, and is aware of it herself. Those who manipulate get manipulated; though with no malice aforethought: it is merely a method of interacting with the world that is working best for them at the time.
Is she better off with or without me in her life? That’s a question that I think even she could not answer; it depends on what you mean by “better off”.
Always a pleasure to host a female opinion here; as for your slight against my partnership skills, you are welcome to come sample them anytime; but only if you’re an 8 or above. :S
July 27th, 2007 at 6:15 pm
Great article and would like to say that if people would be more interested in educating themselves they would make their own lives a damn side easier. Just been in a 10 year relationship and this is a bit of a wakeup call to someone who has been “eating at home” all the time. your experiences is bringing insight to many, what they do with it(good or bad) is up them to them! Wondering why your not doing a monthly news letter or r u!
July 30th, 2007 at 10:33 pm
Nice tips man.
September 9th, 2007 at 4:14 pm
good insight, not that I’m crazy about all the info but it does ring true. I need a guy’s perspective. I’ve been seeing this guy for a year and I’m getting mixed signals. The sex is off the chain. He calls me every day. He’s considerate, responsive, and we go out on dates as well as having hot sex pretty regularly - he has overnights at my place. He spends money on me and gives me gifts. He’s married but has his own place. He probably sees other women but doesn’t say anything. About six months ago he said his wife was getting clingy and then he stopped inviting me over - he said it was too much pressure with his wife being able to drop in unexpectedly, but I really miss it. I think he wants a long-term NSA, (originally he said he’d leave his wife but that’s another story). I told him I would start dating and he asks me about it kind of casually and he said he’d like me to tell him if I date or have affairs. I don’t know what to say - any thoughts? I’d feel really awkward about it and so I haven’t told him. I’m crazy about him but the whole “I have a curfew” thing is becoming a drag. He’s a really nice person and have I mentioned that the sex is off the chain? I think the idea that I would see other men excites him. what’s up with that, too? I hate having those “let’s talk about our relationship” discussions.
September 10th, 2007 at 12:09 am
Hey vivi,
Lots of options in your situation.
1) The guy’s wife is getting wind of his affair(s) and cracking down, and he has to dial back for that reason and that reason alone. I know it sucks, but not much you can do about it…besides stupidly demand he leave his wife for you (unlikely).
2) Guy may just be worried about disease. I would be. If you are dating other guys, at least have the convo about protection with him, and come to some agreement. If you suspect he’s seeing other women besides his wife you should check into it anyway.
3) Why not just do what he asks? Tell him if you date or have affairs. Could be he’s aroused by the idea of you with other guys — some guys are just like that, or it’s because of the relationship dynamic — could be he just wants to be aware (or the disease thing above).
Seriously though, given your situation, why not be honest with him? He’s clearly not being honest with his wife, and he won’t be honest with you if you were to ever get him in an “exclusive” LTR relationship. Just take it for what it is and don’t worry about what develops. If it’s dried up, it’s dried up, best thing to do then is move on.
September 10th, 2007 at 4:57 am
thank you thirtyplus.
September 25th, 2007 at 1:06 am
“The Game Is To Be Sold Not Told!” Playa. You dropped a few jewelz on these cats. Good Lookin.
September 25th, 2007 at 5:43 pm
i have been friends with this guy for hmm 5 years? and one day outta the blue he kissed me! forcing me to think differently about him..i didnt want to ruin our friendship cause we were really good friends but i gave it a try anyway..not knowing what his intentions were..we hung out and went to the movies..did the whole hand holding..i like you a lot thing..then when i asked him what we were he bolted! we didnt really talk that much after..he didnt even have to tell me anything..i knew what his answer was..so i tried to move on but couldnt..we continued hooking up at parties and stuff..and it even got as far as us having sex!..(it was both our first time)..now i dont really noe what to do..he doesnt really talk to me anymore..i feel like he only notices me when im near another guy..he senses comptition or whatever..its like he wants me to be his property..but i know this wont be the end of it..he always figures out some way to come back into my life..even when i think im completely over him..
September 25th, 2007 at 5:45 pm
i really want some advice on what i shoud do plz and thank you
September 26th, 2007 at 1:39 am
Rita:
To answer the question of what you should do, I first need to know what you WANT…
If you like this guy, and want to be with him, you’ve already discovered a way to get his attention…be arounnd other guys, be desired, etc. but then when he starts chasing you, you will need to let him catch you if you guys are going to hook up.
If you want this guy out of your life entirely, you have to play a different game…communicate to him in no uncertain terms that you are done hooking up with him, and keep repeating it broken record style if he continues advancing after you, until he stop.s
What the guy is doing sounds like a pattern of avoidant attachment …he obviously likes you a good deal, but is perhaps scared (of commitment, or maybe of how much he likes you, or of intimacy). In any case it’s conflicted, and it sounds like your feelings towards him are conflicted as well.
Get clear on your own feelings and what you really want and the next steps will be clearer.
September 26th, 2007 at 2:07 am
thanx soo much thirtyplus!
October 1st, 2007 at 5:33 pm
OMG! I began searching the web just because I wanted to get some advice on the FWB issue which I am currently involved in. I had know idea what I would come across on your website. Here’s my complicating situation I am a 39-year-old woman, married for 19 years to my high school sweetheart with 2 great teenage children. I love my husband and would never wna t to be anyone else but him however, I got involved in a FWB arrangement about 2 years ago with a friend who is 32 and engaged. He recentaintly lost his only sibling a the age of 27 and became very sad and depressed. I think I felt like what we were doing together was a type of therapy and high for which we were both benefiting from. I feel I give him something and I know he gives me something-maybe just someone else admiring me and wanting me. IDK! Well recently I have found myself wanting to be with him more and more. We text almost everyday and I think I am developing feelings for him. I am very jealous when he talks of other girls. My BFF says he is just trying to control me as he sends me mixed feelings all the time. One minute he wants me and the next he is telling me to stop and just be his friend. I am so confused a this point but cannot imagine him not being in my life in some capacity. I know I make myself too available to him and I think he likes that although, it is very wearing on me and my emotional state towards him. I know he is not completely stable dealing with the death of his brother however, he sends me mixed signals so much that I have begun to question myself and whether we should just be friends and lose the benefits. Help!!!
October 2nd, 2007 at 1:56 am
Hey Maris,
The thing you have to really consider carefully here, which it doesn’t sound like you’ve been doing, is thinking about your own boundaries.
You say his demands on you are emotionally wearing on you. You have to decide for yourself what is it you want out of the relationship you have with him, and then set your limits — it sounds like your fears of scarcity (that he will go away) are really driving you to agree to, and put up with, behavior that you wouldn’t take from say your husband.
If the nature of the relationship has always been sliding around, maybe it’s time to make it a bit more concrete. Set your own boundaries. Decide what type of relationship you’re comfortable with. If he’s engaged, it’s not likely he will break the engagement for you, just as you’re not willing to break up your marriage for him, so it’s very unlikely you’ll ever have more of him than you do now. Trying to get more is therefore only likely to end in more pain.
You’re an adult, you can make your own decisions, so I’m not going to moralize about your situation — it’s enough to say you need to determine (first in your own mind, and then in words to your partner) your own level of involvement, and what you can live with in terms of repercussions.
Be aware that going back to friends w/out the benefits might not be very possible because of the length of time involved, and because you (by your own admission) have grown attached. Or, it might be extremely awkward. Or, it could work. You never know until you try.
Good luck.
October 3rd, 2007 at 9:26 pm
Yes, I had a feeling you would reply as you did and I agree with everything you are recommending. Thank you for confirming what in my heart I already knew. It really is a tangled web we weave! Thank you again!!
October 9th, 2007 at 10:23 pm
Hi, would like to kick off by saying how much i enjoyed reading this article! It’s really interesting to hear a guys perspective on this subject, as i have just had the conversation of what we both want (and agreed to keep it casual) with a guy i met. He lives over 2 hrs away from me and is a housemate with my big sister, we had two great nights of hottt lovin’ and have been emailing and texting a lot since i saw him a week ago. Neither of us are in a position for commitment of a LTR as he is still confused as to weather or not break up with his 5x cheating ex. and i not long got out of a bad relationship. I was wondering what the protocal is exactly, e.g. can i ask to visit him (i still live with my parents)without it being pressurised ? how can i turn from being a FB into a FWB as we both get on great? would be grateful for some guidance!?
October 10th, 2007 at 4:03 am
Thanks for your candid, honest info! I’m currently in my first FB relationship, and I really needed the grounding on ‘the rules’ just to clarify timing/frequency/etc. I’ve been a customer of my FB guy for sometime, and over the course of the summer we enjoyed getting to know each other better while shopping at his place, then back in August, lack of customers + lots of chemistry that had been building up pretty much exploded. At any rate we had ‘the conversation’ and both acknowledged we want the same arrangement…no commitment/no relationship…just great fun sex.
I won’t moralize here either…suffice it to say he’s married, I’m just freshly out of one…I’m the older woman (41)…he’s 26…and he’s always looking for a new experience…a serial cheater to say the least. We’ve agreed that we only want to see each other once every week or so, which works well for me…and yes the sex is off the charts! So here’s my question…. since our frequency is limited to once a week in person and possibly a phone call or two in between (mainly just to schedule get togethers and chat a few minutes) I’m a little concerned about overstaying the welcome if you know what I mean. How long can FB’s typically last …I know they’re temporary and a lot of times end when new ones begin…but this guy has made a couple of inferences about months from now. Can you tell this ole girl when to gracefully bow out and the signs to look for. I know the obvious “when he doesn’t call anymore scenario”, however the way our situation is set up we cross paths in normal life in a way that’s gonna be of a friendly fashion and I’m worried he’s too darn nice to be blunt when he needs to be.
Thanks for any insight you can provide…would love to hear your own experiences as well. By the way…what in the world did that wily girl do to you?
D
October 13th, 2007 at 2:05 am
Hey Dee,
If maintained properly, these relationships can last a long time. Years. It’s pretty much up to you and the guy.
As for when to gracefully bow out? No need to worry about it. He’ll make it clear when things are changing. It’ll be clear to you even if he doesn’t say anything out loud. You don’t need any tips from me, your experience and intuition will help you out here.
If you’re worried he’s too nice to be blunt when he’s done, why not tell him that?
As for what the girl did to me…well…as in most cases in this area, it’s not so much what she did as what I did to myself.
October 14th, 2007 at 7:02 pm
Hey guys, great post first off, but how would you initiate a FB or FWB relationship?? I’m in HS, so I’m lookin for a little fun you know? Thanks!
October 18th, 2007 at 4:15 pm
This is very helpful, but I would still like to get some advice on if anyone thinks it’s possible that my situation could turn into a LTR. A guy I’ve known slightly for years and I started hanging out regularly just as friends recently. We both just got out of brutal LTRs and are not over them. his was really awful and he clearly needs more time to process and get to a place where he can be emotionally ready for another LTR. We hung out for about 2 months or so, a couple times a week, and he was really sending mixed signals–flirting but then backing off. I was very attracted from the start which I”m sure was obvious. So finally he made a move, I asked him what was going on and he said he didnt’ want a serious relationship but he really likes me and could we just take it slowly and see where it goes. So now we’ve been hanging out plus having the most mind-blowing sex of my life. He plans outings for us, holds my hand and puts his arm around me in public, reads poetry to me, cooks for me,buys me gifts, pays for things we do together( sometimes), we have intense conversations and totally crack each other up, have tons of fun and I feel there is a real connection there. He gets jealous about other guys who are interested in me and questions me about them, but then denies it and says he ’s just kidding. Last week I asked him how he conceived of our relationship and he said he just wants to have fun and he doesn’t want to be in a serious relationship. I asked if we were dating or what and he had trouble even saying we were doing that—said “Well, I guess you could call our outings dates” but repeated that he is not ready for a serious relationship. To me, dating is not a serious relationship, but it is also not FWB. I do NOT want to be FWB but I think that seems like what we are….I told him I couldnt have sex without getting attached and he said it’s confusing for him too, that he usually has sex within a relationship, but he just doesn’t have the emotional resources for a relationship and that if I”m going to get hurt we should stop having sex because he really cares about our friendship and doens’t want to hurt me or lose me. What should I do and what does he want? Do I listen to his words or to his actions? Is there any chance he actually does have romantic feelings for me? Should I hang in there or break it off, and if I break it off, any chance he will decide he DOES want me to be his GF? Should I run fast in the opposite direction? Guys, can you decode this for me?????
October 21st, 2007 at 1:27 am
>>Guys, can you decode this for me?????
Sure.
>>Do I listen to his words or to his actions?
Actions speak louder.
>>Should I hang in there or break it off, and if I break it off, any chance he will decide he DOES want me to be his GF?
In other words, should you leave in an effort to get him to realize what he’s lost and therefore do *anything* to get you back, including getting into a relationship?
Not unless you really want your own manipulations to be the basis for your relationship. Not a great basis, wouldn’t you say?
>>What should I do and what does he want?
He wants YOU. And you should take a long, hard look at your own values, and what it is in you that makes you unhappy with a FWB with this guy.