The Reality Method 2.0

What Makes Sex Good

So I was sitting around with 3 girls the other day. We were having a Pity Party for my good friend X, who recently got dumped by her boyfriend. Somehow, we got on the topic of Good Sex (probably because X won’t be getting any for a good long while).

Being that I was the only guy in the room, and X had just been dumped rather unceremoniously, there was a lot of man-hating going on; but somehow, the topic of Good Sex came up, and I took a position I usually don’t take: that Good Sex always has something to do with Emotions.

One of the other girls — the loosest one — instantly took issue with this. In retrospect, I realized exactly why she did; she is a “dominant” female accustomed to taking on male sexual dominance in her pursuit of girls and “seduction” of beta submissive males.

The discussion moved on, but it sparked an interesting thought in me that I want to set down: a taxonomy of What Exactly Makes Sex Good.

Below I will detail the three main reasons I think lie behind good, quality sex.

#1: Pure Animal Lust
Sex is, at base, an extremely biological process. In fact it is the big daddy of all biological processes; the only biological process that generates MORE biological processes.

In some cases, this is all that’s needed. Many times a guy sees a hot girl and all he can think of is how much he wants to bone her. He goes up and talks to her, and she’s dumb as a box of rocks, but he doesn’t care — her body is just too beautiful for him to pass them up.

At the same time, the hot girl sees this hot guy walking around, and thinks he is FIIIINE. All she can think of is dropping to her knees in front of him and sucking him off. And OMG, he’s coming over to TALK TO HER. He chats. He’s dumb as a box of rocks, but she still wants to ride his pole.

This couple was made for each other in a biological sense. So they fuck, and it’s some of the best sex either of them have ever had. Afterwards they don’t have anything to say to each other — nor do they have any common interests, or shared goals. Their shared goal is to get off as many times as possible using each other’s beautiful bodies as instruments of pleasure. That’s it.

That’s pure animal lust: the pure biological cause of sex. There are no emotions, there is no real cognition, just an entirely automatic biological process.

Animal lust is really your genes saying, “WOWZA! Those other genes over there are FIIIINE! Let’s get some o them genes to mix with ours, we could make the next Brad Pitt!”

These people don’t really talk during sex; they don’t know each other well enough, and anyway they don’t have anything to say. They don’t need to say anything; the sex is hot enough just looking at, feeling and enjoying each other’s bodies. They’re not thinking much either; they are lost in a state of pure animal bliss.

This cause of sex is rare, because BOTH parties have to agree that their partner is 100% the best biological quality specimen that can be found, and this doesn’t happen often (for obvious reasons). Very hot people are lucky to be able to experience this type of sex frequently. Uglier people are usually aware that they are not as attractive, and therefore are usually a little down on themselves, as well as constantly having to gauge “well, is she REALLY that good-looking, or could I get better” or whatnot.

I’m going to theorize the existence of some self-perceptual beauty scale whereby the hottest 2% gravitate towards the hottest 2% and the ugliest 5% gravitate towards the rest of the ugliest, but the middle 93% of “average-to-good-looking” folks have to do a lot more calculation and therefore don’t experience the immediacy of reciprocal animal lust.

#2: Social Conventions
Imagine you’re moving into a house or flat with a group of people you don’t know. As you meet them while moving in, you realize that one of them is a totally smokin’ hot babe.

If you’re stuck in a biological mode of thinking, you’ll be excited: “FUCK YEAAA, I’ve got a HOT roommate! We gonna GET IT ON, and it’s gonna be CONVENIENT!”

If you’re more socially aware, you’re gonna be pissed. “FUCK, why does my ROOMMATE have to be HOT? Son of a BITCH. Now I’m going to have to try to AVOID fucking her to dodge major HOUSE DRAMA.”

This is a good example of the second reason people hook up and have GOOD sex: social conventions. The basic idea here is, the social circumstances and social group that you are in set up a dynamic whereby having sex with random person X would be really, really hot.

Usually social convention sex is so appealing because it runs in contravention to prevailing social norms. For instance, a student wanting to fuck her teacher. Or an employee wanting to fuck their boss. Or, a girl wanting to fuck one of her girlfriend’s best friends. Or anyone wanting to fuck their flat mate.

Because it’s not supposed to happen, socially, people naturally WANT it to happen — without much regard to how the person looks, how attractive they are, how good their genes are, how smart they are.

People having hot sex because of social conventions don’t talk much, but they are thinking; thinking about the social convention that is supposed to prevent them from doing what they’re doing. They may not verbalize it (and typically don’t) but they are THINKING, hard, and that’s what makes the sex so arousing and good, even if they are not physically arousing to one another.

The loving, attached, “I’m really into you” emotion don’t typically come into this type of sexual hotness, but they can develop after the fact. The primary “emotion” or motivator in these encounters is the sense of social transgression, mixed with just a bit of shame, excitement at being found out and the heady sense of “danger” at doing something “forbidden”.

Romeo and Juliet wanted to hook up because of this type of sexual hotness. It wasn’t because they were attracted to each other physically, and it wasn’t because they had any real relationship experience that told them they would make a good match. It was because Romeo was a Montague, Juliet was a Capulet, and the Montagues and Capulets were at war. Social conventions prohibited their marriage or even seeing each other, so naturally they committed themselves to a lethal love affair.

Good old R + J may never hooked up, but if they had, there is a damn good chance their sex would have been blistering hot.

#3: Intellectual Attraction
Intellectual attraction is the “wise” sort of attraction you get for someone after knowing them for a while. You can tell that the two of you are a match, intellectually. It can be as simple as enjoying the conversations you have with them. They understand you, you understand them, you finish each other’s sentences, you share a sense of humor or sarcasm, you get along.

Consequently, the sex that comes out of intellectual attraction is more about head games than any other sex you will ever have. It is literally mind-fucking; and since the brain is the sexiest organ in the human body, it can be very, very good.

This is where you can begin to mix in different dominance levels for hotter sex. Plenty of women get off on intellectual “stories” that you can tell them during sex; plenty of guys get off on having a girl do different intellectual things during sex (like call them a “bad boy” or saying how big their cock is, or what not).

This is the “talkie” type of sex. If you were trying to tell this sex apart from the others by watching, you’d notice a lot of dialog happening, a back-and-forth sex conversation between the two people. Language is a highly intellectual process and a way for the intellect to express it’s hotness in the sexual encounter.

Emotions can easily tie into intellectual attraction; in fact, as a man I find it easier to care for a girl if I can see that she has strong intellectual qualities. In other words, I can more easily convince myself intellectually to dig a girl when there are good *logical* reasons behind attraction: she can cook really well, or she’s rich, or whatever. But I’ve always been sort of an intellectual; other guys are different.

Bringing it All Together
I’m not saying the above levels exist in discrete little boxes, never to meet. I think they exist on a continuum and can be easily mixed and matched back and forth in varying amounts. Hell, that may be a good definition of what role-playing in sex is all about: using the intellect to mix levels of biological and social hotness. A couple may just be plain ol’ Man and Wife, but if the woman dresses up as a cheerleader and the man dresses up as a football coach, they’re creating the Social Convention form of sexual hotness. Or, if they come to care deeply for each other because they are so thoughtful with each other (intellectual hotness), that emotion can easily translate into really good sex.

Like all attempts to classify, this one undoubtedly falls short in some ways; but I think it’s a starting point to consider the different types of attraction. Ultimately sex can be good for one of any number of reasons, but I maintain that those reasons tend to fall into these three overall categories.