The Reality Method 2.0

States and Frames Explained

Tonight I want to talk about two psychology concepts that are incredibly important in dating and seduction: states and frames.

We’ll work our way backwards, starting with frames.

Pseudo-Science Spawns Useful Concept
The idea of a “frame” has its roots in a pseudo-science called neuro-linguistic programming , which was conceived in the early 1970’s by a student named Richard Bandler, who was a pupil of the linguistics professor John Grinder. The two worked in association with social scientist Gregory Bateson, and basically came up with this new “branch of science” out of whole cloth (basing it on Gestalt psychotherapy).

The particulars of NLP (as it came to be known) are not important — although it is important to say there has never been a shred of evidence that the “science” is scientific at all — but it is worth mentioning because of it’s one meaningful contribution to society and modern thought — the idea of frames and reframing.

A “frame” is basically a viewpoint you hold about the world. Just like a picture frame, it helps clarify events, and sometimes even cuts out certain things or is set up to focus on certain other things.

A “reframe” is to literally change your frame; to shift your viewpoint or perspective to allow for new information, or to consider events in a new light.

A class reframe is the Ugly Duckling: the poor little Duckling went through life thinking it was so ugly, until it looked at its reflection in the water and realized that it, too, was a beautiful swan. Of course it’s still the same animal, it just experienced a perspective shift.

The basic concept of frames is powerful in dating and seduction (and has cross-pollinated into the language of diplomacy, conflict resolution, and politics) precisely because it has so much flexibility and power: in fact, a successful seduction could be considered nothing more than the gradual process of a woman falling out of her own frame and falling into yours.

Framing and Reframing Examples
Say you meet a girl, and ask her out. You ask her what day would be good for a date, and what time you should show up. You show up on time, and bring flowers. You insist on paying for dinner. Quick, what kind of “frame” have you set up already?

Well, given that she’s calling all the shots and you’re shelling out the money, it’s safe to say you’ve put yourself in a solidly “beta/provider” frame.

In fact, just by asking a girl out on a date, you are establishing a “chasing” frame — that is, you are chasing after her, and therefore all the details of the relationship are on her terms.

That’s not a good position to be in.

Here’s a healthier reframe — women are not to be chased. You are to be chased. After all, you have the sexual skills to rock her world, the charm, the wit and humor, the great social circle, and the ability to make her feel good about herself. She should be chasing you, because YOU are a prize for HER to win.

In addition to being a healthier “frame” overall, the very process of ’seducing’ a guy is often very arousing for some girls (it’s a validation thing).

Part of the purpose of throwing out shit tests is or other general challenges to test the strength of your frame.

A woman who was used to guys pandering to her and granting her a lot of sexual power, for instance, might give you a lot of tests related to that — “You just want in my pants” or “You know you want me” or “You’d fuck me if you had the chance” or “Nobody can resist me” or whatever, over and over again. You are required to stay strongly in your frame through all of this. In fact, holding a contrary frame such as “Geeze, what an ego you have,” and “I’d fuck your little sister, maybe” or “You’ve just never met a man who actually has options” will not only knock her down a little ego-wise, it will also call into serious question her own frame (that she ought to be chased).

And this brings us to the most important point about frames and re-framing. Read carefully, because not only is the next sentence 100% true, it is an absolutely life-changing revelation, when you really get it on a gut level:

If your frame is strong enough, people will follow you to the end of the world.

You can get away with anything with women — literally anything — as long as your words and actions are congruent with your frame.

I’ll say no more — for now. If you want a more long-winded and technical explanation of frames and re-framing, look no further.

What State Do you Live In?
States are an even easier concept to grasp than frames and reframing.

The term “states” refers to states of mind, or put another way, emotional states. There is a shorthand in the seduction and dating literature — and I tend to use it on this site, as well — that when a woman is “in state”, she is basically at her most happy, aroused, and receptive. Think of the audience response to a mesmerizing or captivating public speaker — they are enraptured, in awe, sitting back and drinking in the glory of his speech. He has put them “in state”.

And such is the goal of many a seducer: to literally have an impact on the emotional state of the woman, to literally lead her through a number of different emotional states over the course of the conversation.

This is done for two reasons — one, it causes a time-dilation effect, which is useful in speed seduction; and two, women actually enjoy it.

I know — crazy, right? Who would want to go through 20 - 30 emotional states in a two-hour period? As men, most of us are just fine maintaining more or less the same emotional state throughout the course of a day, week, or month. We’d like to have occasional punctuation marks of feeling of triumph, victory, or ascension, but apart from that, we’re good.

Women, in contradistinction, happen to quite enjoy their emotional journey — the more varied and changing, the better — especially if they are being lead through states by a capable man.

It’s enough to say that the ability of a man to have an emotional impact on a woman is very seductive characteristic (and probably ought to be the subject of another post).

Although I’ve made it sound otherwise, the key value here is not pumping a woman through a lot of states — rather, it is in being able to change a woman’s state at all.

If you can change a woman’s state, you can change her emotions; if you can change her emotional state, you can change her mind.

And if you can change a woman’s mind — well, that’s real power.