The Short Answer: very gently.
I can’t even count how many girls I’ve broken up with over the course of my life, and the biggest lesson I’ve learned is the following:
Big Breakup Lesson #1: Angry hateful breakups are never worth it.
Despite this, for a lot of women, “hard” breakups are actually easier to deal with — outright rejections where you tell them it was all an act, make them believe you’re a total asshole, and that you were just taking advantage of them all along and everything you said was a lie.
I knew a guy from Australia who sent girls “crying back to Daddy with their asses bleeding” (in his words) as soon as he saw the young ones getting too attached to him; he broke it off as roughly as possible, knowing that their anger would make them stronger and send them back into the game sooner than a girl who pines for a lost lover. This guy seriously redefined the concept of “throwing ‘em back”.
Some guys (and plenty of girls) are outraged at my Ozzie friend: they believe men should “leave women better than they found them.”
Well, that’s often damn near impossible, even with the best of intentions.
Which brings me to:
Big Breakup Lesson #2: Breakups always suck — whether you’re being broken up with or doing the breaking up, and no matter how detached you are from the girl or “over” the relationship you are, it’s always hard. Unless of course you’re pathological.
So, given these two lessons, What’s the Best Way to Dump your Girlfriend?
Follow this steps:
1. Be clear. Don’t waffle; don’t equivocate. Don’t say “kinda” or “maybe” or “I think we should see other people”. None of that shit — instead be a man, and be as resolute and clear and blunt as possible: “We’re through.” Or “It’s over.” Or “I am breaking up with you.” There should no be mistaking what you’re saying.
2. Be concise. Don’t draw it out; don’t get all emotional (goes without saying, doesn’t it?) The less time you spend breaking up with her, the sooner she can start moving on.
3. Do it in person if your relationship has lasted more than 1 year: if it’s lasted between 6 months and year, at least do it over the phone; if it’s been less than six months, the phone is probably still appropriate, but below 3 months you’re getting into a gray area where just cutting off contact is often enough. If you’re under 2 months just stopping returning her phone calls is quite enough usually. Never, EVER, text (SMS) or email a breakup, or breakup in a phone (voicemail) message. That’s just not classy. And please, please, never, EVER use the Dear John Generator, unless she really was a nasty manipulative evil skank, or as a joke.
4. Do it in public if you do it in person. It helps to reduce the possibility that she will make a big dramatic scene. And, if she DOES make a scene, do it in a place you can easily leave if she starts being ridiculous. Remember, once you’ve broken up with her, you’re not responsible for comforting or helping moderate her emotional state anymore. Cut the ties and run.
5. On converting to a fuck buddy here are the rules:
6. Get your stuff prior to breaking up with her. This should go without saying, right? This includes all money, clothes, or other material or sentimental items she has in her possession and might hold to “ransom” against you, or destroy in retaliation.
To show you how bad it can be if you DON’T take this important step, here is a list of things I have lost to breakups over the years:
…and probably a lot of other shit I’ve since forgotten. On the other hand, I’ve also gotten a lot of stuff out of breakups, including all five books in Douglas Adams Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series.
Just trust me on this one: anything you value, get out prior to the breakup.
6. Don’t use lame pop psychobabble like “It’s not you, it’s me” or “I just can’t go on loving you”. Or “You’re too good for me, you deserve someone better”. Don’t try to feed her a line to soften the blow, just tell her the truth.
Also avoid breaking up for “negotiable” reasons, like “We don’t have hot sex anymore” or “I don’t feel you pay enough attention to me” or anything similarly wheedling that she decides she can change to keep you. Unless, of course, you really WANT her to change and try to keep you.
7. The 100% airtight money break-up line, that works in any and all cases, is as follows:
“We’re just not a fit.”
Simple, but devastatingly effective. I have used the above line for probably 90% of my breakups (I was lucky enough to learn the particular line early in life, from a very wise Italian guy).
You can modify it with “….for the long term” or “…anymore” if you like or according to the situation, whatever you feel will be most effective….and those modifiers DO increase the acceptance of the line, but the stripped-down version above is a golden, golden catch-all. It requires no further explanation and no apology while laying no blame and presenting no hooks for manipulation or modification.
8. Finally, Let her down easy. If you know you’re falling away from the relationship and start planning to break up with a girl, start giving her subtle cues; returning fewer and fewer phone calls, hanging out less and less, being less emotionally available and connected when you DO hang out, slowly cutting her water off (i.e. withholding sex or giving her progressively-worse sex).
If she’s at all alert (and most girls are) she will figure something is up over the course of the week or two you do this (don’t drag it out longer than a month) and not be as surprised, shocked or bereaved when you finally have the “breakup talk”.
A breakup is something that NOBODY deserves to have sprung on them, except maybe the most malfeasant calculating evil bitch, and if you’re reading this site you probably aren’t dating her anyway.
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That’s it. How To Dump Your Girlfriend in 8 Easy Steps. Questions, comments, snide remarks: email thirtyplus at gmail dot com or comment below.