The Reality Method 2.0

Art of Conversation: Part III, Managing Threads

In Part II of this series, we looked at the importance of “vibing” and being subtle (implicit vs. explicit declarations).

Now, we get to the good stuff….conversational Threads, and what can be done with them: Cutting, Looping, Tying, and more.

This has been a long series – longer than I ever planned – but we are very close to the payoff now.

Onward and to victory!

Laying the Groundwork for Conversational Threading
In Part II, we started exploring the ways in which men and women communicate differently. We went over how women prefer to “vibe” in communication, especially with attractive men, and how men typically look at a conversation as an opportunity to prove something, or to be “right”.

So, despite how you may naturally tend to operate as a male, when you’re having a conversation with a beautiful woman, (or someone you’d really like to get to know better or influence) you typically don’t want to make it feel like a debate or argument.

If people feel they are being judged, or pressured or pushed too hard in a conversation, they typically shut down and become less engaged in the dialog, which is bad for you and whatever goal you had in mind.

(In fact, one of the reasons I love talking to women is that, with women, you don’t have to be right (A good thing too; it’s mostly impossible to be right with a woman anyway).)

So you, too, can think of any conversation as a tapestry — a huge piece of fabric, woven together by the intricate movement and patterning of the individual threads. When you stand back and look at such a tapestry, you definitely get an overall impression — but the overall picture is definitely composed of the patterning and arrangement of the individual threads. If you get up close, and try to separate out individual threads, the overall picture will quickly become lost to you.

So imagine a conversation with a new person you’ve just met (beautiful woman or not) as a tapestry you two are co-weaving: they’re at one end, you’re at the other, and you both have your hands on the loom, spinning and weaving as the conversation goes on.

As a man, it is your goal to
A) Keep your eye on the ball (the overall big tapestry picture) and
B) Manage the individual threads and be aware of how they are fitting into the big picture you are trying to create with your conversation partner

Let’s look at how we can do that, shall we?

Conversational Threads in the Tapestry of Communication
In a conversation with a woman, your agenda, and the topics that support it, are all conversational threads.

It is your job, should you choose to accept it, to weave these threads seamlessly into the conversation in such a way that they appear to have naturally arisen out of your interaction and permeated the conversational tapestry as though it were cut from whole cloth, while simultaneously managing the woman’s conversational threads in such a way that they do not detract from your own, but still allow her to fulfill her own agenda.

Here’s the basic concept: Any topic or sentence in a conversation that holds a complete thought is a Thread. You can do one of any number of operations on these Threads, including Starting, Cutting (or Breaking), Tying, Looping and Weaving.

Let’s perform an autopsy on a typical conversation and figure out it’s anatomy in respect to these concepts.

Examples make everything easier:

Joe: Hi Jane.
Jane: Hi.
Joe: Lovely weather we’re having, isn’t it?
Jane: I guess.
Joe: You guess? What kind of talk is that? It’s sunny and warm. What’s got you so down?
Jane: Oh, it’s just…I dunno.
Joe: No, come on, you can tell me. Why the long face?
Jane: Well, it’s Ted.
Joe: Ted….your boyfriend?
Jane: Who else? We’ve been fighting.
Joe: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Why have you been fighting?
Jane: Who knows? He just gets mad, flies off the handle, starts shouting at me. Accusing me of sleeping with the milkman.
Joe: …But you live in an apartment complex.
Jane: I know, that’s what makes it so crazy. Well….I mean, he’s usually drunk when he yells.
Joe: Hmmm. Yelling while drunk? How often does he get drunk?
Jane: Oh….not that often. Only two or three times a week…usually just on the weekend.
Joe: Jane….
Jane: Yeah, what?
Joe: Have you ever considered, you know….breaking up with him?
Jane: Oh, I couldn’t do that. We own a cat, remember?
Joe: Well, my cousin….Andrea….she was with a guy once….an abusive, alcoholic guy. - Not that Ted is an alcoholic or abusive or anything, I’m just saying. -And anyway, she finally broke up with this guy, he was sort of an asshole, really. She was much happier afterwards.
Jane: Oh, but Joe, you don’t understand….Joe is really sweet and caring…in private. When he’s sober.
Joe: ….I guess.
Jane: Oh, it must sound silly, but he really is. He’s a great guy. He just drinks a bit much sometimes.
Joe: Jane, I just hate to see you so unhappy.
Jane: But I’m not really unhappy. I’ll get over it.
Joe: You deserve a really good guy.
Jane: Ted is a really good guy.
Joe: You deserve the best. You deserve better, at least. A guy who won’t yell at you.
Jane: Nobody’s perfect. I’m fine. Things are fine.
Joe: You were crying, earlier….
Jane: Oh, it’s just, I get so emotional. It’s not really Ted’s fault….anyway, things will get better. See, look at this - it’s such nice weather. The sun’ll come out tomorrow!

Now let’s take it thread by thread.

Joe: Hi Jane.
Jane: Hi.
Joe: Lovely weather we’re having, isn’t it?

This is the introduction of the first thread. Joe has started a thread about the weather. Jane has a choice: she could either ignore this thread, Cutting it off, or pick it up and Weave it with Joe, talking about the latest improvements in the weather. She choses something in between: not really cutting the thread, but not really picking it up, either.

In fact, she cuts it in a subtle way, with her (presumed) body language and facial expression:

Jane: I guess.
Joe: You guess? What kind of talk is that? Look how sunny it is, and warm. What’s got you so down?

Joe, although he is acknowledging the subtle attempt to Cut the thread, is not giving up on it so easily. He attempts to persist with it, contrasting her dour expression with the brightness of the weather. To no avail:

Jane: Oh, it’s just…I dunno.
Joe: No, come on, you can tell me. Why the long face?

Here, Joe has completely Cut his own thread and is subscribing to whatever Thread Jane is about to introduce. Notice that women have a way of doing this - introducing their own problems and conversational Threads in a very passive-aggressive way. Watch out:

Jane: Well, it’s Ted.
Joe: Ted….your boyfriend?
Jane: Who else? We’ve been fighting.
Joe: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Why have you been fighting?
Jane: Who knows? He just gets mad, flies off the handle, starts shouting at me. Accusing me of sleeping with the milkman.

This is all Jane’s thread, but wait: Joe tries to introduce some reality:

Joe: …But you live in an apartment complex.
Jane: I know, that’s what makes it so upsetting. Well….I mean, he’s usually drunk when he yells.
Joe: Hmmm. Yelling while drunk? How often does he get drunk?
Jane: Oh….not that often. Only two or three times a week…usually just on the weekend.

Jane, however, is running from reality and any hint of it: what’s normal for Joe must be normal for everyone. She is just running this Thread.

Joe: Jane….
Jane: Yeah, what?
Joe: Have you ever considered, you know….breaking up with him?
Jane: Oh, I couldn’t do that. We own a cat, remember?

This is actually a good example of chick logic (as touched on earlier in What Women Want). The emotional linkage provided by the cat prevent her from breaking up with a clearly alcoholic, borderline-abusive Ted. Note: this can also happen with children.

Joe: Well, my cousin….Andrea….she was with a guy once….an abusive, alcoholic guy. - Not that Ted is an alcoholic or abusive or anything, I’m just saying. -And anyway, she finally broke up with this guy, he was sort of an asshole, really. She was much happier afterwards.
Jane: Oh, but Joe, you don’t understand….Ted is really sweet and caring…in private. When he’s sober.

Joe just doesn’t give up: here, he is introducing a new Thread, but Weaving it into the conversation. I say it’s Weaving because A) the new Thread is relevant, and B) it’s introduction does not disrupt the flow of conversation; in fact, it is logically related.

Joe is trying to draw a helpful parallel between Jane and his cousin Andrea, in order to help Jane see the peril of her position; the introduction of this Andrea thread is in the interest of weaving a richer, more complex and helpful conversational tapestry. Maybe Jane could use the Andrea Thread as an example of another woman who got out of an abusive relationship and was stronger and happier as a result.

But once again (like many abused women), Jane is highly resistant to masculine logic, and Cuts this attempt at Thread Weaving off.

Joe is not easily convinced:

Joe: ….I guess.
Jane: Oh, it must sound silly, but he really is. He’s a great guy. He just drinks a bit much sometimes.

Here, Jane is in essence cutting her own Thread. The way is open for Joe to introduce a new thread and, maybe, this time get away with it.

And in his own way, he does - introducing a tangential Thread that has to do with his (hidden) feelings for Jane.

Joe: Jane, I just hate to see you so unhappy.
Jane: But I’m not really unhappy. I’ll get over it.
Joe: You deserve a really good guy.
Jane: Ted is a really good guy.

Contradiction is not, as some might guess, the same as Cutting a Thread. Jane is following Joe’s Thread, but not helping him with it - rather, she is resistant to his chain of logic and contradicting him at every turn.

You will find, however, that often resistance and contradiction, while following a proposed Thread, are the best contributions a woman could possibly make. As long as she’s not upset, her frank disagreement is better in an absolute sense than simply not caring about your Thread - because frank disagreement creates tension, and tension can be parlayed into sexual tension, frequently.

Joe, however, really drops the ball if that was his goal:

Joe: You deserve the best. You deserve better, at least. A guy who won’t yell at you.
Jane: Nobody’s perfect. I’m fine. Things are fine.
Joe: You were crying, earlier….
Jane: Oh, it’s just, I get so emotional. It’s not really Ted’s fault….anyway, things will get better. See, look at this - it’s such nice weather. The sun’ll come out tomorrow!

In a masterstroke, Jane not only finally Cuts her own Thread (for good), but also Loops Joe’s original “Weather” Thread into the conversation just prior to doing so, and by attributing the entire episode to her own “emotionality”, neatly finishes off both Threads at once by Tying them together, precluding further discussion of either of them.

In essence, what Jane has done at the end of this dialog is to say, “My thread is done, your thread is done, both of our threads are done now, and we’re either moving on to an entirely new set of Threads or this conversation will be OVER.”

At this point Joe can protest, and try to re-start one or both threads, but he is unlikely to succeed unless he first Unties them from one another, thusly:

Joe: The weather has absolutely nothing to do with your relationship, Jane. You could be hurt by this guy, rain or shine.

He might also try to simply pick both threads back up, metaphorically speaking:

Joe: The weather can change in an instant, Jane. I’d hate to see you hit by a thunderbolt from the blue.

Or, he could acknowledge her attempt to Loop his original Thread into her own, and Weave the looped, tied threads together into a *new*, hybrid Thread with the same passive-aggressive furor that she did, originally…essentially flipping the entire conversational script on her as payback:

Joe: Oh, so NOW you wanna talk about the weather? Nice going, and I was having such a good day, too…now I’m all depressed.

Now whether or not this would work for him is another story.

Hopefully this example has given you the idea. Here’s the Cliffs Notes version:

Conversational thread: Any topic or subject brought up.
Cutting a thread: Disacknowledging the topic, aka “changing the subject”, especially abruptly.
Weaving threads: Introducing parallel, similar threads that follow logically from existing threads and will expand the conversation in a helpful way.
Looping: Recalling a past, cut, or abandoned Thread.
Tying: Bringing two dissimilar threads together in a new way that will enhance the discussion.

Now, this is a lot of “jargon”, and I generally try to avoid jargon where it is unnecessary. But I really think this concept of Threads and the different things that can be done with them is helpful, at the very least, to conceptualize a conversation.

Here’s one final example to really cement the concept, and show that it’s something you probably already have experience with, and how it can be devastatingly effective:

Final Example: Thread Management in a Cocktail Lounge
You’re in a cocktail lounge, having a drink after work. You see two attractive young women sitting alone at the bar, talking with one another. They look similar.

You decide it’s time to enjoy the fine art of conversation:

You: (approaching, drink in hand, and stepping between them): I couldn’t help but notice you two looked lonely over here all by yourselves.
Girl1: *giggle*
Girl2: Oh no, we’re fine.

First off, note that this is an observational opener and needs no reply, but the girls reply anyway, and you can count on this. Most girls won’t just sit there like stones.

Here, you’ve introduced the thread - the two girls are lonely, even if with each other. What you are implying is that they lack *male* company — how chauvinistic, but delightfully attractive, of you.

The first girl basically agrees with you. Girl 2 is playing hard to get: note her use of the word “no”. It sounds like she’s trying to reject you, to shoot you down - and a lesser man would listen to what she has said, take it literally, and make a polite but quick exit, having been “shot down”.

You, luckily, realize that women rarely (if ever) speak literally, especially in cocktail lounges:

You: You guys aren’t lesbians are you? No, you can’t be. You’re sisters. You look so similar. No, wait. Sisters or lesbians?
Girl1: Noo…..we’re not lesbians, haha
Girl2: Yes, actually we are lesbians, and you’re interrupting our romantic cocktail.
You: Ahhhh! Now you’re just trying to confuse me!!

Notice that here, you ignore Girl 2’s thread (”No, we’re doing fine”) and just plowed right over it, cutting your own first thread and switching to a new one (sisters or lesbians). In doing this, you not only ignore Girl 2’s pseudo-shootdown attempt, but you don’t even give the women a chance to try to shut you down.

A lot of guys in the attraction-seduction community call this either “plowing” or “stacking” (as in, “stacking openers”). It keeps the ball in your court and disallows serious blowback, but it is a little unusual, socially speaking.

Girl 2 is still giving you shit, but unfortunately Girl 1 has already said they’re not lesbians, so her contradiction is not to be given much weight. The time is ripe for some disarming humor.

You: I’ve got it! You’re lesbian sisters…
Girl1: Hahahaha, yeah, you’re right!
You: No, actually, I know….you’re best friends! Don’t lie to me! I can tell, you guys are sitting there with the same posture….and the exact same expressions…and every time you go to talk, or as I’m talking to you, or you’re about to do something, you look at each other first!
Girls: Hahahaha OMG!

….because, of course, as soon as you started talking about their posture and expressions, the girls looked at each other, and then looked again as you finished your sentence…you literally talked them into doing exactly what you were accusing them of doing, just by accusing them of doing it.

Now that’s fun/playful dominance - and girls LOVE it. It spins their heads around, and they love THAT.

Your first line “lesbian sisters”, was humorous enough that you’d already won over Girl 1 with it (but she was more receptive to it from the start). Cutting that thread and moving on to the more powerful “best friends” thread cements the two girls together as a unit, and visually demonstrates to both of them that both of them are laughing at what you’re saying - accepting your dominance, in other words - and that’s important to help the interaction continue smoothly.

The “set” of women is now essentially open to you. You could take them into more “traditional” conversational realm, such as “What are you guys up to tonight” or “Where are you guys from”. Be careful, though, to not be too “interview-style” with your threads: interview-style threads (”how old are you / what do you do / where are you from / where do you live”) are very common in cocktails and bars, and painfully boring. I try not to foist them on anyone if I want to make friends (or more).

It’s possible the girls will have some innocuous questions for you at this point. Answer them, in a funny/disarming way if possible. Before too long, you will want to Loop the humor thread that got them laughing, something like this:

Girl2: …And the fish died in my toilet tank, and so I had to explain to her…even though it wasn’t my fault.
You: Wow. Just wow. That’s serious emotional turmoil. The death of a goldfish…..No wonder you guys are lesbian sisters.
Girls: *giggle*

A lot of guys will tell you this is what’s called “callback humor” - as in, you are “calling back” to mind a previous humorous statement. That’s fine, if it makes sense to you. I prefer to think of it in terms of looping back to a previous conversational thread, but that’s just me.

Or, here’s a different example that would be stronger:

Girl2: …And so we named the fish Nemo, because we could never find him….
You: That’s great. So, do you guys use the same shampoo?
Girls: (look at each other)
You: Wow, there’s that checking thing again…you know you guys are a like a co-dependent married couple, you can’t say anything without looking at each other first….

This is powerful, because not only are you Looping back to the previous humor (and it’s not just funny that they’re best friends. It’s funny because you found a *unique* and goofy way to establish the fact of their friendship), and then Weaving in the “codependent married couple” bit, which is incidentally ALSO funny because it’s a little bit of a Loop itself back to the “sisters/lesbians” thing from the start. Remember, stuff that doesn’t go together = funny.

The Take-Away Lessons of Threaded Conversations
Here are a few notes on the *most important* parts of the model, that will make the *most difference* in your conversations with women:

• Women will control conversational topics (threads) unless you do. Remember, it’s YOUR job.
• Ignoring someone’s thread and plowing right over it with your own (funnier, better, more interesting) threads is extremely powerful. You can avoid direct challenges, shit tests, and all sorts of unnecessary unpleasantness this way; but you have to do it in a *funny* way, otherwise it will come off as rude.
• Looping threads (esp. humorous ones) is extremely powerful, as it not only keeps girls laughing and enjoying themselves, it artificially inflates the subjective perceptions of the length of the conversation, and makes the conversation seem more familiar.
• Tying threads together can be a way to transition seamlessly from one topic to another, completely unrelated topic.
• Women like a man who can take charge in a conversation, and if you keep them laughing, you can get away with almost anything (including ignoring most of what they say). On the other hand, letting them have their threads is important too, since conversation is a two-way street, and women need to feel that you are paying attention to them, and that their input matters.
• In the right contexts, careful listening to a woman can be one of the most powerful tools in any conversation; but at the initial stages, listening is only important insofar as it allows you to be better at managing the threads.

That’s it for Part III. In Part IV, learn How to Speak Louder Than You Ever Thought Possible, and additionally “project” your voice above all that nasty bass in those loud clubs.

Until next time!