The Reality Method 2.0

Art of Conversation - Part I, Opening

Today I’d like to write a little about a little-understood and even less-studied component of all relationships, and a very *important* component at that: the conversation.

Conversation - What Is It Good For
There are several ways to define a conversation: encompasses any period of time during which two or more people are discussing a single topic. In the course of a single “conversation”, however, people can move between and among multiple topics.

Dictionary.com also lists “association or social intercourse: intimate acquaintances” - and this is the best definition I’ve seen, and the one I’d like to go off.

Because conversation is not supposed to be dull, boring or lifeless. Successful conversation is a lot more like intercourse than a debate club.

Conversation is social intercourse.

Now, we know that sexual intercourse has a definite purpose (fun or reproduction, roughly). What is the purpose of social intercourse, especially between men and women?

Well, apart from being fun, enlightening, and a learning experience, and a great way to pass the time while consuming cocktails, I think social intercourse acts as mediator for attraction. It is the most “grown-up” way we have of communicating our feelings, desires, interests, opinions, and positions - and both parties need to be able to communicate these in all their specific detail if a More Perfect Union (i.e., sex and/or marriage) is ever to be made.

Conversation Vs. Vibing
Now, some men would argue that words are just a filler for meaning, and subtle subcommunication, especially in body language and tonality (”vibing”) are pregnant with much more meaning and intention than mere words. I would agree, to a point. I do believe the language of the body is a much older and more universal language than our modern muttering - furthermore, that “vibing” and kinesthetic communications must be in order and speaking unanimously to the same goal if that goal is to be accomplished (but that’s the subject of another post).

On the other hand, that modern invention of the spoken word is wonderful in that it enables us to exchange information in a much richer way. Just try having a discussion about subatomic physics or, say, the relative merits and costs of oral contraceptives, using *just* body language.

I won’t belabor the point. You need both good conversational skills and good vibing skills to successfully attract a woman; both must be in place. Today, however, we are only examining the former.

Conversation: The Art of Leading
Now that we know what social intercourse (conversation) is good for, how best to perform it?

Like actual intercourse, social intercourse is a balance between give and take. That’s the first rule. The second rule is, there’s a Leader and a Follower (just like in intercourse, where there is usually someone who is doing more initiating, and guiding things along, more readily).

The goal of social intercourse with a woman ought to be to establish a clear Leadership in the conversation, and skillfully guide the conversation onto the right topics at the right times.

For instance, in the course of a conversation with a beautiful women, obviously there are things you would LIKE to talk about (such as, any topic which might convince her of your mating suitability) and topics which you would RATHER NOT talk about (like, any topic that might embarrass you, or her boyfriend, for example).

Thus the need to “skillfully guide” the conversation through a field of conversational landmines, sticking to the daisy-strewn main road that will ultimately lead to the Palace of Earthly Delights.

So, a quick review:

Q: When you talk to a woman you’ve just met, what should be the first thing out of your mouth?
A: Anything that demonstrates that you hold a higher-status or value position in the interaction.
(I call this “claiming the power”). A bit chauvinistic, is it? You’re damn right it is - for good reasons, too. Most (feminine) respond quite well, in a reproductive sense at least, to men who are more dominant - women themselves have bred a preference for aggressive men into the species (which is why men are, on average, more aggressive than women).

So don’t be afraid to let her know you are a Man and in charge.

On Starting Conversations
A lot of people go into great detail on the topic of “conversational openers” or conversation starters, advocating one of three main groups:

1. An opinion opener (asking someone their opinion on some random subject)
2. An observational or situational opener (making a funny or witty remark or observation about the environment and its denizens)
3. A complimentary opener (Wow, your hair looks beautiful or, I love your dress)

Of these three types, the complimentary opener is the most abused, the redheaded stepchild of the other two, if you will. The reason is simply because it is the first choice of 100’s of thousands of men who approach random women. The most obvious thing that comes to their minds when striking up a conversation with a beautiful woman - being men and therefore rational - is that she is beautiful, and by God, she ought to know it.

The problem of course, is that beautiful women therefore, over the course of their lives, become accustomed to being handed compliments by perfect strangers, and become either quite vain or quite inured to the effects of these compliments. Being the 50 millionth guy to tell a girl she is beautiful does nothing to distinguish your genes, in an evolutionary way, from the genes of those previous 50 million guys (who, incidentally, she didn’t sleep with).

So that, in a nutshell, is why compliments are so frowned upon by most dating and relationship moguls and modern pick-up artists.

To the contrary, the conventional wisdom in the seduction-and-pickup industry is the art of the “NEG”, or “negative comment” - walking up to a strange, random woman and telling her that her hair looks fake, or you’ve seen her dress on another woman a few days earlier, or her teeth make her looks like Bugs Bunny.

Now, in general, I’m not a fan of starting conversations out on negative footing. The key is that NEGS, delivered in a playful way, do not necessarily entail an immediate negative vibe - if delivered from a position of “higher value”.

The irony there, of course, is that anything, delivered in a playful vibe, will start off a conversation right, if delivered from a position of “higher value”. One does not generally need to subtly insult their object of interest just to get attention.

The only exception to this is (and I believe this is why the NEG has gotten so much traction in these industries) when a guy is of such low social status that his only hope of temporarily raising his status and therefore approaching an equal status to the beautiful leggy blond he hopes to bed is to insult her - in a teasing way, of course, but immediately.

And this does work - the blond becomes momentarily intrigued, not because of the insult, but because it came from a guy who would otherwise spend his time kissing the ground she had shat on and never, ever dare to speak to her. So this momentarily confuses her internal “Man-Ranking” system: if this fat, balding, bespectacled loser-ish guy is talking to me, that must mean he is getting the confidence to do so from somewhere, and that means maybe he has a good reason to be confident, hidden somewhere (like a big dick in his pants, or a big balance in his bank account, or a big receipt from the “seduction school du jour” that just told him to insult women in exchange for his $1,500).

I personally go back and forth on my feelings about the NEG. In some situations, if delivered just so, I do agree it can be powerful. But I personally believe men ought to enter interactions from a position of higher power anyway, and therefore not have to rely on barbs to lower the woman’s value.

That’s just me though. Your mileage may vary; like with anything I write here, use as you please.

Moving on to the other types of openers: situational/observational and opinion, with examples:

Observational: “Wow, this place is DEAD!”
Opinion: “Hey, can I ask your opinion on something? Should I dye my hair blond?”

Those may seem to be lame examples - and they are - but they DO work, in some venues.

Of these two remaining, I feel the opinion opener is the weaker - but not by much, and not by enough to really make a difference. My beef with it is just that it spends too much time ASKING rather than TELLING - asking permission is not strictly an “alpha male” behavior, but it’s not of as much important as many make it out to be.

In fact, the more common form of “opinion” opener you’ll see gaining currency right now is the “Hey, my friends and I need a female opinion on something…” which may have been unique and fresh two or three years ago, but is definitely fast acquiring a stale “pickup line” air to it. Your friends and you, being real men, don’t need shit in the way of female opinions on anything - except which of the three of you the leggy blond in question is more likely to go down on before the night is out.

And of course the woman knows this - she is just giving you leeway, excusing the white lie because it enables you to get into an interaction with her in a non-needy, non-embarrassing way, which was both her and your shared goal all along.

The observational opener is my favorite, and the most effective, I believe. If you watch carefully, you will notice attractive women around you structuring opportunities for observational openers to start conversations with them *at every turn* - a quick personal story, by way of example:

Beauty and the Beggar
I had to go to the DMV the other day, to renew my driver’s license. Such is the system of the DMV in the States that any visit entails a long, boring wait in a huge, slowly-moving line. Everyone takes a number and sits down in a bleak waiting area, and waits for at least 45 minutes, no matter how quick or small their task that day.

So I’m sitting there, reading my paper, and a relatively attractive woman comes and sits down next to me, and starts reading a different newspaper.

Before too long, though, a transient (beggar) comes around the line. Now, beggars in my city are pretty forward - they will shake down anyone and everyone, at any time, multiple times, in a very demanding way. They are invariably after money for drugs or alcohol, since no homeless person in my home city actually needs to panhandle in order to secure the basics - we are a city replete with social services, bursting with homeless shelters that offer hot meals, blankets, and places to sleep. Nonetheless, a wide majority of panhandlers make a big effort to look freezing and tattered, and inspire sympathy. It’s practically performance art.

This beggar, at least, was being honest about it. She was an older woman, and she simply barged into the line, asking “You got a dollar for a beer?” And when the first man said “No, sorry,” she simply pointed to the next in line and said, “You, over there, yeah you - I know you got a dollar for my beer.” She continued throughout the line, saying things like “You look rich, you should have a spare dollar”, and similar lines.

Honestly, I thought we were on reality TV, this beggar was unbelievable.

Anyway, the beggar gets to my row, and asks the attractive woman sitting next to me, disturbing her from her reading. The woman looks confused and says, “No”, and then instantly looks over at me as the woman moves off - with a bemused, friendly look on her face, and said:

“Nothing like a little entertainment while we wait….”

Now that, my friends, is a well-executed observational opener. I didn’t comment, but it was a clear invitation to do so. Now, if the woman had been younger, I doubt she would have even said anything - but older women are typically bolder (read: more desperate) and will therefore frequently open YOU.

It’s a good example of what a clear, congruent observational opener looks like. The situation was so ludicrous (even for my city) that it would have been extremely easy to comment back, and get into a conversation with this woman - the fact that I chose not to notwithstanding.

Even if they don’t directly open you, women are always aware of their surroundings (okay, well, sometimes at least) and, if you are an attractive man and near them, they are probably preparing witty comments in their own minds to reply with when you pop an observational comment into the open air.

Yes, women are social schemers, and don’t ever forget it.

And that’s the final point I have to make about the observational conversation opener. It is a closed-ended statement that can be thrown out into the air and hang on its own. It doesn’t matter if nobody responds to it, or even acknowledges it (though most people will, if your deliver is on point). It is simply there, with no apologies for its existence - very much like a man, in fact.

The difference between strong observational openers and weak observational openers, in fact, is one of a distinction of this kind:

1. A strong opener needs no reply; it stands on its own. It is not seeking a reaction.
2. A weak opener is clearly and obviously seeking a follow-up from someone else. If it does not get this follow-up comment, it falls flat and reduces the pronouncer’s social status.

But one ought not to be worried about strong versus weak observational openers until one has overcome the customary fear of opening in general; our next topic.

Overcoming Social Awkwardness and Fear
A lot of guys I know (and I was certainly this way) have some pretty major mental blocks to simply going up and starting a conversation with a complete stranger (male or female, though females are usually harder, for obvious reasons of nervousness, fear of judgment, etc).

Most men in the U.S. are simply taught — if not explicitly, then implicitly — that random social contact, especially with women, is a bit of a taboo. A lot of it has to do with movies in which a guy walks up to a random girl he likes and gets shot down — frequently slapped — for saying something inappropriate. And these types of scenes exist for humor’s sake.

(As an aside, I think this is one of feminisms’ crowning achievements, and most deplorable PR crimes against masculinity: the constant portrayal in the mass media of men who approach women as continually chumped, and then laughed at, to boot. A woman abuses a man physically (okay, a little slap isn’t likely to permanently damage any guy, but still) and it’s funny. No wonder guys have an irrational fear of talking to strange women - because of observation they believe that 99 times out of 100 you’ll get physically hurt for doing so.)

The reality is, you would have to say something pretty deplorable to a woman to get her to immediately slap you. Something like, “I think you are the fattest, ugliest, most disgusting, sluttiest skank-ass-bitch-whore in this entire place.” That might get a slap. Almost anything less offensive than that probably won’t. Despite what the media tells you, women are much less likely to throw a slap in a social setting than men are to start a shoving match or take a swing at some random guys — again, WE are the aggressive ones, not them. Yes, women are pretty likely to start something with other girls (especially party girls, in clubs and bars) but that’s pretty irrelevant for our current discussion.

I think that is the biggest challenge to guys, going into conversations with strange women — they don’t want to be slapped, they don’t want to be “shot down”, laughed at, or rejected outright. There are good evolutionary reasons for wanting to avoid (the appearance of) social exclusion. And I put “the appearance of” in apostrophes because, in the modern age, it is important to understand, rationally, that random women in clubs, bars, libraries, coffee shops or on the street cannot *actually* socially reject you. They don’t have any social power. The world isn’t high school; there is no global PA system that any girl can get on and say, “Attention, social people of Earth: John T. Boggs is now excluded from any social contact whatsoever, after just making a ridiculous gaffe by asking me if I thought David Bowie was hot while I was standing in the classical music section of the library.”

Now, clubs and bars can make one *feel* as though they are in a fishbowl or social microcosm, and that social rejection matters because everyone is watching (and that’s true, because everybody in clubs and bars *is* generally watching every else - but not for the reasons most people assume) - but clubs and bars are ridiculous hypnotic environments that nobody remembers anyway.

The scene that I still love, and will always remember, that perfectly demonstrates and encapsulates all the above, is a scene from the 1996 film Swingers: Vince Vaughn and Patrick Van Horn are trying to tell Jon Favreau that he need not fear talking to a strange girl at the bar, and the dialog (though it has to be seen to be fully appreciated) goes something like this:

Trent: You know what you are? You’re like a big bear with claws and with fangs…
Sue: …big fucking teeth, man.
Trent: Yeah… big fuckin’ teeth on ya’. And she’s just like this little bunny, who’s just kinda cowering in the corner.
Sue: Shivering.
Trent: Yeah, man just kinda… you know, you got these claws and you’re staring at these claws and your thinking to yourself, and with these claws you’re thinking, “How am I supposed to kill this bunny, how am I supposed to kill this bunny?”
Sue: And you’re poking at it, you’re poking at it…
Trent: Yeah, you’re not hurting it. You’re just kinda gently batting the bunny around, you know what I mean? And the bunny’s scared Mike, the bunny’s scared of you, shivering.
Sue: And you got these fucking claws and these fangs…
Trent: And you got these fucking claws and these fangs, man! And you’re looking at your claws and you’re looking at your fangs. And you’re thinking to yourself, you don’t know what to do, man. “I don’t know how to kill the bunny.” With *this* you don’t know how to kill the bunny, do you know what I mean?
Sue: You’re like a big bear, man.

Although farcical, this dialog gets at the root of the matter: in an interaction with a strange woman, the woman has more legitimate reason to be frightened of *you* than *you* have to be afraid of *her*. Don’t try to steal her fear for yourself; it’s ungentlemanly (and happens to make you less attractive to her). Instead, realize that YOU have the power and the dominant position, and use it responsibly.

Another thing that I think causes anxiety for many guys — and a technique to fix it — is what I call the Ladder of Value.

Now, this is basically entirely borrowed from the ever-popular Ladder Theory, I admit - but I use that concept in this context in a way that will hopefully be illuminating.

Most guys have no problem approaching and talking with women who they don’t want to sleep with. Their grandma, for instance, or a friend’s grandma. It is only when men approach a woman who they desire, who they might actually sleep with, that they are suddenly risking a gain, or a loss (the enjoyment of sleeping with the woman and, in fact, the reproductive rights to combine their genes with hers) and the gain or loss can be equally frightening.

These beautiful women that cause the most tension are inevitably high up on the Attraction Ladder — i.e., they are more beautiful than all the women on the rungs below AND, perhaps, more than a match for the physical beauty and other manly qualities that locate a man on his corresponding ladder.

So, my advice for men who have difficulty approaching beautiful women is to start by approaching women lower down on the Attraction Ladder — more at parity with their own attractiveness, or even lower — and to even approach unattractive women, where the stakes are lowest if not non-existent.

Then, of course, as a man builds comfort and capability doing this, he can gradually ratchet up the ladder to more alluring targets.

The Final Analysis — Anything will Do
Based on all the above, I hope it’s clear that the actual “content” of the beginning of a conversation is less important than the fact that you *do* start a conversation with a woman you’d like to talk to.

Just that alone is enough to inspire confidence in yourself and get many women attracted. You’d be amazed at how many truly beautiful women don’t get approached and talked to by strange men, despite the fact that nearly *all* men who see her are highly attracted to her.

We’ve covered a lot here, but hopefully it’s been useful. To get the full effect, be sure to check out Part II - Vibing, Part III - Managing Threads, and Part IV - Vocal Strength and Projection.

‘Till next time!