The Reality Method 2.0

Subcommunication II: Body Language

As humans, we talk with our bodies.

Actual spoken language is a pretty recent invention and mostly a product of our well-developed and recently-evolved frontal brains.

However, our body language has evolved right alongside spoken language, and still maintains the richness and complexity of our evolutionary heritage.

Which is why it’s worthwhile to study body language.

The main concepts in body language can be broken down as follows.

• Facial expressions
• Hand gestures
• Body movement and placement (kinesics)
• Touch (haptics)
• Personal space (proxemics)

Body Language: Facial Expressions / Gestures
Of all the types of body language, facial expressions are probably the easiest to read and execute. Facial expressions are more or less the same the world over; a brilliant smile means the same thing in Papa New Guinea as it does in Little Odessa.

As a point of general interest, The Nonverbal Dictionary is a useful and interesting resources — for facial expressions as well as hand gestures.

Hand gestures are pretty self explanatory as well. A lot of guys recommend doing things like pointing vaguely at themselves while describing a woman’s “ideal guy” — but I think that’s pretty clownish.

Some cultures use their hands expressively more than others (Italians); beyond that, the only thing I can say is use what gestures seem appropriate and natural to you. Gesticulating too wildly (flinging your arms about and such) can make you seem out of control and over-acting for a reaction, but on the other hand, using no gestures at all is likely to come across as very stiff or boring. Use your own good judgment.

Kinesics — Body Movement and Placement
When interacting with people — especially women you are interested in — the placement and facing of your body is very important.

Facing your body full-on towards something — “squaring it” — is basically saying, “This person/thing has my full attention.” This is why fighters or people about to fight can be seen to “square off” just prior to engagement; they are narrowing their focus to just their opponent. This makes sense because all our sensory apparatus is basically designed to focus on what’s in front of us.

So, if you “square” up to a woman, you are being very direct — she KNOWS you are giving her 100% of your attention. This could be a good thing, but more frequently, it will make women nervous — particularly those women who don’t even know you. “Who is this weird guy who’s giving me all his attention? Is my fly undone? Do I have coffee stains on my shirt? Or is he just wildly attracted to me and too needy and horny to hide it?”

A better idea is to selectively give attention to women by facing your body away from them at first. Like in a pub; if you’re at the bar next to a pretty girl, don’t turn and face her before you start talking. Instead, only turn your head to face her, and then only slightly; just enough to throw out your comment or opener.

Then, as the conversation goes on and the girl becomes more and more “open” to you, gradually change your body angle to become more and more “open” to her. But NOT BEFORE SHE TURNS TO FACE YOU.

Turning to face a woman too early lowers your own value relative to hers — it is attention and reaction-seeking, and that turns women off. Many women are aroused by having to earn attention, by having to chase after a guy’s affections (often related to experiences with daddy).

This is where the phrase “opening up” comes from. “You’re opening up to me.” Your body language and position is becoming more open, facing me more frequently.

“Closed” body language looks literally just like it sounds: crossed arms, crossed legs, leaning back, “retreating” from the conversation.

“Open” body language is the opposite: open posture, open arms (and especially legs, in women ;)), leaning forward, good eye contact, ready smile, “active and engaged”.

This probably has something to do with evolutionary biology, and how closed body language “protects” us from possible attack, preventing damage to major internal organs, etc. But I’m not going to belabor those points here.

There’s also the practice of using one’s body as a shield, or a weapon, to control and moderate interactions. If someone is saying something you don’t like, you can turn your back to them — a “backturn”. Or, if there are three people in a conversation and you want to just talk to one person, you can physically put your body in front of the other people, cutting off that person you want to exclude with your body position (called “cutting in”).

Is this rude? Hell yes! Is it done all the time in bars and clubs and other competitive social situations? Hell yes!

There’s a lot you can do with kinesics — oftentimes, women are sensitive enough to your approval/disapproval (rapport addiction) that you can use your body positioning like a rheostat to literally influence what they’re saying.

She starts saying something you don’t like “Ohh I don’t know about tonight I should be doing homework blah blah…” You start turning your body and face away gradually as she keeps talking, and she notices: “….but I guess the paper isn’t due until Tuesday and I haven’t been out in a month,” so you start turning back to reward her.

Another important (yet subtle) part of kinesics is where your feet are pointing. Since our feet are so crucial to our ability to move rapidly in a given direction (like if we had to suddenly flee; think evolutionary African savanna here), most people subconsciously point their feet in the direction they want to go, or the direction most of their attention is facing, all other things being equal.

So watch for feet pointed towards you: that’s a good sign. Equally be aware of feet pointed away from you in a girl you’re talking to; and note just exactly where her feet are pointed. Towards another guy (competition)? Towards the door (boredom)? Towards the bathroom? Towards the bar (maybe she wants another drink)?

Be just as conscious of where your own feet are pointed; don’t “give rapport” to a woman too early by facing her, or pointing your feet towards her. Be aware of your own positioning, because it is sending signals that she is subconsciously reading, and those subconscious signals are filtering up into her conscious mind as “feelings” as to why she DOES or DOESN’T like you.

Touch (Haptics)
There are plenty of guides out there on “How to Touch your Woman”; this is not going to be one of them.

Usually those guides are filled with amazing revelations like, “The skin on the inside of the elbows can be very sensitive. Touch areas that don’t get touched often” — hmmm, like her kneecap? Wow, that’s SURE to send her into paroxysms of pleasure. “Oh God, yes, stroke my fibula just like that!”

Ultimately, I think every woman responds in a slightly different way to being touched. Some women are more open to it than others; but just about all of them like it on some level (if they don’t, there’s Serious Trouble in That There Past).

There is a general progression of how touch is escalated in courtship. Most women are quite accustomed to the “touching ladder” and how seduction just “goes down this way”. With very experienced and jaded women, however, you might benefit from skipping ahead (or holding back) at key junctures, because they are often so accustomed to the traditional touching progression that it bores them. But they, luckily, are few and far between.

Here’s the usual progression as I see it:

• Touch shoulder or upper arm
• Close proximity (physical closeness, close enough to smell)
• Touch waist or small of back (lower back)
• Lower “floating” ribs or stomach
• Ass
• Hands
• Neck, ears, upper neck just below and behind the ears
• Face, lips
• Makeout
• Touch everywhere non-erogenous at least once
• Breasts
• Everything else erogenous

You’re welcome to disagree with me on this list, and plenty of guys probably do it differently and still get women melting in their arms; but this is the “habit” I’m sort of in at the moment.

Things I might do out of order are touch her hands first with mine (holding hands, playing with fingers, etc) but I often don’t do that because it’s very intimate, and sets the stage for a more romantic “I-really-REALLY-like-you” interaction, whereas playful ass-grabbing early on subcommunicates well to a woman that you really just want to sleep with her.

The other thing I do that works well is, if a woman is particularly proud of some part of her body (breasts or ass, for example) I ignore that area for as long as possible. It’s a breath of fresh air and a nice change of pace for women who are used to having guys fixate on just one thing.

I typically start touching a girl as soon as I can feel she has at least a little bit attracted to me. I would never touch a girl I didn’t feel attraction from. I touch fairly frequently and escalate it pretty quickly; I am accustomed to taking all kinds of liberties and really pushing my luck with women. Of course, “luck” has nothing to do with it; touching early and often subcommunicates comfort with your own value and your attraction for her, and having a relaxed, jovial (even jokey) attitude about it helps disarm their natural rape-whistle defenses.

Touch, especially pseudo-sexualized touch, may not be received joyously the first time around; but if you stay congruent and persistent, it is unstoppable.

PERSONAL STORY: One of the longest long-term relationships I’ve ever had was a girl who I started touching immediately, and she reported later (after I had successfully seduced her) that she thought it was “weird” (of course, she was also a virgin when I met her). Literally, the first time we hung out for coffee I had her back at my place lying on my bed (for a “back massage”) and I pulled up her skirt to check out her undies. She shouted “NO!” and had a mini-freak out; but I calmed her down and made out with her later that afternoon. A lot of other women wouldn’t even have blinked; know that you can get away with a lot more than you imagine; but only if you do imagine it, and women can sense that you bear no ill intention towards them (which has to come from your internal values).

SIDE NOTE: A lot of guys use the “back massage” trope to *start* the physical escalation process with a woman. I generally consider this a bad idea; it’s too easy for the woman to view a back massage (given or received) as a simple “service”, divorced from the question of attraction. When I was younger, I used “back massages” a LOT; now I only go into back massages after physical escalation is very well along (i.e. past the point of make-out or petting). It can actually be a very relaxing de-escalation tool if one or both of you has gotten too hot and bothered.

IMPORTANT NOTE: My experience bears out the fact that, when touching a woman, Less is More. Start light; only get more aggressive if the situation warrants it. Light touching is extremely arousing for most women; ultralight touching drives them WILD. I had a report from a girl I dumped, who went out and slept around a little and then came back to me for the sex, that she came back to me in part because all the guys were “too rough” with her breasts. Go figure.

So, Lesson #1: Women Like to be Touched. Lesson #2 is, women like to be touched competently.

The Good Touch: strong, confident, secure, warm.
The Bad Touch: A mediocre album by the mediocre alt-rock band Bloodhound Gang. No, wait. Let me try that again:

The Bad Touch: Needy, clingy, lustful but insecure, transgressive.

I understand that these are just lists of adjectives. I think the point with Haptics is, your internal feelings come across in physical touch.

So if you are scared to touch a woman, and not sure if she’s going to like it, and really hesitant about even doing it, probably best to *not do it* until you feel more comfortable; because your touch is going to telegraph your hesitancy, insecurity and grasping neediness. Or, if you hate women and just want to hurt them the way they’ve hurt you in the past, your touch is going to feel toxic and poisonous to the girl.

This is the same thing that would happen if, say, some girl you didn’t intend on sleeping with — because she was too ugly / overweight or what have you — was making pass at you, and started touching you, and you didn’t feel attraction for her at all; it would feel “wrong”. Have you ever had a female colleague at work (maybe a boss) who hugged you in a totally inappropriate way and you could just tell there was “more to it”, and you felt vaguely dirty afterwards? Well, that’s how women feel when you touch them out of neediness / insecurity or coercion. Not good.

Avoid the Bad Touch. Cultivate the Good Touch.

Personal Space: Proxemics
A lot of proxemics are determined by socialization.

In some cultures, the “personal space bubble” is very small; people talk to each other face-to-face from just a few inches away (Greek, Puerto Rican, Mexican, Arabian). This is called a “close-contact” culture.

In other cultures, such as the U.S., the personal bubble is much bigger - 3 feet on average, but can range from 2.5 to 4 feet in other “no-contact” cultures such as the British and Japanese (Martin & Nakayama, 1997).

This is pretty rudimentary; if you were brought up in the U.S. you no doubt have a keenly-tuned sense of when people are “in your bubble” or when you are intruding on others’. In interactions with women, invading their personal space can be either

1. Arousing

or

2. Intimidating

Of course, which it is depends on the context of the rest of the interaction. The opposite is also, true — but usually you can be pretty sure that, if a woman is invading your personal space, she is attracted to you. Moving closer to you in interactions usually signals strong interest on a woman’s part, so watch out for it, and respond accordingly — usually, if a woman moves closer to you of her own accord, you can physically escalate with some light touching on the arm or waist.

Besides these points, there’s not much else I can think of in regards to proxemics; but please comment if you think I’ve missed something important.

Related Articles:

• How to Talk to Complete Strangers Without Anxiety
• Subcommunication I: Vocals
• What Nightclubs are Good For
• Art of Conversation - Part II, Vibing
• Art of Conversation - Part I, Opening