The Reality Method 2.0

16 Ways to Fight Boredom in Relationships

You all know how it goes. You meet a great girl, and pretty soon you start to really like her. You get the feeling she is attracted to you, as well.

Eventually, you humbly ask her to be your girlfriend — and she agrees! You are both very happy, and you have lots of fun for maybe 3-6 months.

After 7 months, you are still together, and (probably) both monogamous, but some of the spark is going out of the interaction. Things just aren’t the same — you don’t get the same thrill when you see her name on your caller ID, dinners out are no longer “dates” with the promise of excitement at the end of the night, even sex becomes more like a chore than an adventure. Things become predictable, staid, and even boring.

Welcome to the Long-Term Relationship.

There has been a lot of discussion in psychological, anthropological and biological circles about humanity’s ability to be monogamous in relationships. Without getting embroiled in those discussions, it’s enough to say that Long Term Commitment in relationships is hard, even for friendships, and nowhere harder than in relationships founded on a romantic or sexual basis.

Romance and sexual attraction — infatuation or lust — are, by definition, fleeting passions. After the boredom sets in, what happens next? How do make a successful transition from the ardent fervor of fiery passion to the calm security of secure attachment?

As it happens, I have some suggestions.

Go Hiking
Hiking is one of my favorite suggestions. If you are an outdoorsy person at all, odds are you already enjoy hiking, so why not bring the girlfriend along?

It can be an enjoyable experience just to plan out where to go and what areas to visit, as well as shopping for needed supplies. The actual trip is even better: outdoors, in the fresh air, accomplishing a goal, deciding on which trail or route to take, taking pictures together, soaking up sunshine. You also run a good chance of meeting other hikers, so it can be a social experience, too.

Hiking should also give you a chance to be alone with your thoughts with your sweetheart near, or a chance to talk outside the confines of your city apartment, car, her place, or whatever restaurant you frequent. As well, some of the beautiful views afforded by hiking give you time to pause and reflect.

I suggest hiking to anyone who lives in the city as a general mental and physical-health necessity, but the mental, physical and spiritual strengthening that takes place during a good long day-hike can be compounded if they are shared with your sweetheart.

Camping Trips
I put camping trip as a separate category from hiking, above, because camping simply entails more. Typically camping is at least a weekend excursion, and requires even MORE planning, supplying, and cooperation.

The greatest benefit to camping, apart from those associated with hiking, is you get to sleep under the stars (or under a tent, if it’s raining). Stargazing can be a very soulful, healing activity, and really give you a sense of perspective - not only the hustle and bustle of your daily life, but the things you consider “problems” in your relationship. A lot of the niggling details of things that really bother you in a relationship (putting the toilet paper roll on the wrong way, for instance, or leaving wet towels on the bed) pale in the light of the whirling infinite cosmos.

And, if it’s overcast or raining, there’s always tent-and-sleeping-bag sex to bring you closer together.

Cooking Meals Together
I am a huge fan of cooking — especially when it’s done for me. But, since most modern American (or Western) women will throw a fit if you say, for example, “Get yo’ bitch ass back in the kitchen — n make me sum PIE” it’s a much better idea to offer to help cook whatever tasty meal that you want to eat.

Cooking is great in relationships, and even better in dating — when a woman is interested in you but you two haven’t yet consummated your attraction. Demonstrated cooking skill can be a powerful aphrodisiac, and power over the menu can also be highly suggestive. Look for another post detailing The Power of Cooking in Seduction.

Tandem cooking can be especially fun and interesting if you choose to cook a foreign or exotic cuisine, something none of you have ever tried — or tried to cook — before. The odd ingredients and shopping trips you’ll need to make, as well as some of the inevitable failures, will make for some fun memories and entertaining stories of misadventure to tell to your kids / friends.

Going to a Play (or any theater performance)
Say what you want about theater, most women love it. If you can avoid taking seriously the implication that any and every theater-goer (and performer) should have their heterosexuality called into question, you also stand a good chance of enjoying it, yourself.

If you can’t stomach the thought (or stand) opera, try plays — and if you don’t like those, try improv theater, most of which is incredibly funny (a lot better than most sitcoms). Laughing together is a definite bonding experience, and plays give you something more to talk about after the fact.

As well, plays and theater (unlike movies) have, by definition, audience involvement — there is communication between the actors and the audience in terms of response time, catcalls, applause (or lack thereof) and so on. The interplay between the audience and the actors, especially in improv or comedy theater, is often worth the price of admission.

Finally, it gives your mate (and yourself) a chance to dress up nice.

Going to a Ballet or Symphony
Say what you will about the heterosexuality of these two possible suggestions, they can be downright moving experiences. If you appreciate good music and are open-minded, with some measure of patience, a symphony should be a no-brainer. If you like attractive women, a ballet or (even better) modern dance performance is an absolute must-see.

Check out modern popular dance troupes like Alvin Ailey, Bolshoi or (my favorite) Cirque de Soleil. Believe me when I tell you that watching a Cirque performance will expose you not only to beautiful choreography and masterful storytelling, but some of the hottest, most flexible women in the country. World-class skill is definitely hot, especially when clad in nothing but skintight, sequined costumes. Debating with your girlfriend over which of the female dancers was hottest and most talented is, additionally, a nice way to start her in a bi-curious exploration phase.

And it doesn’t have to be all about hot flexible women, fantastical sets or avant-garde pretentiousness. Check out Do Jump!, Stomp or the like for some hardcore, no-holds-barred physical dance action.

The only downside is that these performances can be rather expensive. Ask your girlfriend to pay half (unless you want to pay for it all, of course).

Play Sports or Work out Together
Pretty much any athletic activity that you both enjoy can be great at bringing you together and varying things up. Be it tennis, racquetball, snowboarding or jogging, a physical activity that will get you out of the house and breathing hard a few times a week is good on a number of personal and relational levels. I like competitive sports better, those that can be played 1 on 1, because friendly competition can be a crucial outlet for perceived inequality in the relationship — but any physical activity will do, even jogging a few miles together.

A lot of couples “hit the gym” together, spotting each other on workouts and what not, but I’ve always shied away from this; you may feel differently. I do think that getting your girlfriend into a systematic and routine workout plan is an excellent idea for any guy, made all the more easy if working out is a regular part of your life (which I believe it should be). I personally get bored by spending time “in the gym”, I’d rather get my exercise and training by actually doing something practical — but your mileage may vary.

Whichever way you go, of course, you will still reap the benefits of the after-workout shower…

Learn A New Sport Together
Going along with the above, getting involved in some athletic activity neither of you have ever tried before (sky-diving, bungee jumping) can be a great high. It will not only uncover both of your learning processes to each other, making mutual understanding more likely, but give you an opportunity to tout your “beginner’s luck” and make goals and threats about your eventual prowess. As you can probably tell, I am a huge proponent of low-stakes competition in relationships, and coupling it with learning is a win-win all around.

Take a Dance Class or Three
This suggestion is GOLDEN. I am always amazed how few people get involved in dance. Dance is a passion of mine, and for that reason I find myself unconsciously self-selecting women who are heavily involved in dance, too — for the simple reason that dance does and says a number of extremely good things for a person.

For one, it’s physical, like any sport, and gets you breathing heavily and in shape (if you do it with intensity).

Secondly, it gets you more comfortable with your body and with moving it around, and using it in a controlled but powerful way.

Third, it’s highly intimate — dance is essentially clothed sex on hardwood.

Fourth, the steps and roles in dance accurately reflect the dynamic of a healthy heterosexual relationship — the man leads, the woman follows, but both are required to give and take while managing their own role with responsibility and humility.

Watch a few good dance movies to get the motivation (or give your girlfriend the motivation) to sign up for a class. I recommend Take the Lead, Flashdance/Footloose/Dirty Dancing (if you can stand the datedness), or Fast Forward.

Travel!
This is my second-best tip, after taking dance classes, simply because it usually costs much more than that suggestion.

Traveling with your girlfriend shouldn’t be a scary proposition. If the idea of hanging out with her for more than 48 hours at a stretch scares you, maybe she shouldn’t be you girlfriend.

Travel is the ultimate relationship builder — even the worst of predicaments can bring you closer together. I remember one time my then-girlfriend and I were caught in a race against time trying to make it from Cinque Terre to Venice, Italy, all while the country was soaked in a torrential downpour — during a train strike. Despite being soaking wet, cold, hungry and tired as hell, we made it, and we both showed our true colors in those desperate moments hopping from bus-to-bus to catch a train that we weren’t sure was even running. It was an experience I’ll never forget, and although it was miserable at the time, in retrospect it just seems like a great fun adventure.

If you can swing it, international travel is the way to go, but even weekend trips or road trips can be fun. Staying in cheap motels has its own flavor of escapist adventure, and setting out without any sort of plan or itinerary has a wonderful Bonny and Clyde-ish feel to it.

Of course, with the cost of gas inevitably rising, it might be better if you invested some money in an electric or hybrid car, first.

If you wanna get REALLY adventurous, leave the car at home, sling on just your day-packs and hitchhike cross-country.

If you are REALLY REALLY adventurous, hitchhike in a foreign country. (Just keep that passport close).

I won’t belabor this point. There are enough destinations in the world that you could spend your whole life traveling (and some people do).

Learning a new Language or Skill
Again with my learning track. I am a huge believer that cooperative learning drives people closer together, and helps them form longer-term bonds. Just think of the grade, or secondary-school classmates that you still remember. Being thrown together and forced to adapt and think while learning has been scientifically proven to help people form bonds.

So try learning American Sign Language, car maintenance or beekeeping. Learning a foreign language is challenging, good for your brain, and good for your relationship — and it dovetails nicely with the previous suggestion. Or try carpentry, raising chickens or homebrewing — or any skill that you think will be interesting and keep you on your toes. Additionally, you can teach each other hard concepts that one or the other of you may not initially get, doubling your learning rate by making up for each other’s weaknesses (of course, if you both suck at math, this won’t work as well, for instance — but you get the idea).

Organizing an Activity or Club
This one is for the really strong “leader” personalities out there. If you’re not one of those personalities, don’t sweat it.

If you ARE one of those personalities, you probably already know it, and this suggestion probably sounds great to you. Think of the possibilities: a book club. A stitch-n-bitch. An “activity” club. A foreign language speaking club (see related suggestion above). An ice cream
social night. A “cosmopolitics” night. League of panda activists.

The possibilities, are, literally, endless. Choose something that will appeal to a wide demographic, or a narrow demographic of people who happen to live in your area. The idea is you can bring people like you (and like your snookums) together, socialize and meet them, and enlarge your (collective) social circle at the same time. Organize it with your honey, promote it in newspapers and on the internet, and have fun as it unfolds.

Organizing things is fun — share it.

Knowledge Swapping
Another one of my favorites. The really cerebral types reading will love this.

If you happen to be cerebral (and lucky enough to have a cerebral girlfriend) consider setting aside a weekend for a “knowledge swap”. How it works is, you define the time period (a weekend works great) and go to the library. You each pick out one book that looks interesting to you that has to do with something you know nothing about. A denser, more academic book is best, one with actual derived knowledge.

You each read you book all the way through. At the end of the weekend, you teach each other what you learned. You both learn twice as much, and you additionally will retain more of what you read, by nature of having to re-teach it to someone later.

If you’re reading this and saying to yourself, “What a DORK”, you’re right. There is part of me that is a HUGE dork, and this suggestion probably isn’t for you.

Just know that there are significant numbers of women who are ALSO huge dorks, and many of them are quite sexy, as well :)

Collaborative Art
WTF is “collaborative art”, you might ask? I’m talking about things like street performance, improv, and partners juggling; although I suppose homemade porn could be considered collaborative “art”, as well. Taking nude black-and-white photos of your girlfriend (tastefully) would also probably count. Selling them would not; that’s collaborative entrepreneurship (IF you tell her).

Collab art may also be as simple as getting involved in a theater project, a dance company, a gallery showing or hanging — or putting on your own. Why not put on some makeup and go pretend to be mimes in the park? At the very least you’ll amuse some people while amusing yourself. Take pictures and make some memories at the same time.

Volunteering
Teach kids to read. Work at a soup kitchen. This is very common around Thanksgiving and other holidays, so consider doing it during the summer or at other (off-season) times, where volunteers are more scarce. There a number of worthy causes to contribute your time to, and contributing time is often easier than contributing money (depending on your situation, of course). Again, take pictures, make memories, talk about the experience afterwards. Use it to refine your ideas about the welfare state, universal health care, and corporate welfare, for example.

Leading into our next suggestion…

Get Politically Active Together
Campaigns are ALWAYS looking for volunteers or additional organizers, or just bodies-on-the-street. From letter writing to canvassing, there is always more to be done to get X or Y Representative or Senator re-elected or pass A or B ballot measure. A lot of political activism activities can be thankless and rough on morale, so doing them with a trusted companion makes them much easier to bear.

Bonus points if you are both politically passionate and share viewpoints; if you come from opposite sides of the political spectrum, take a weekend to examine why that is. Read some political science books and theory (some Jefferson and Adams and Franklin and Washington as well — in fact, pretty much any of the framers of the Constitution are great reading) and debate the points you have in contention as well as the points you agree on. See if you don’t come to a better or more complex understanding of your own and your sweetheart’s politics - regardless of whether or not you change how you vote.

Save an Animal
There are many, many unloved animals in this world. Why not agree on a pet you can both stand, fetch one from the pound, and spend a few weeks training it and taking care of it? In addition to acting as a “road test” for raising kids together, you will discover things about your honeybunches you never knew before - they are incredibly compassionate, obsessive about pet hair, a germ freak, or what have you.

Plus, if you give the animal enough TLC and training, it will be 100% improved from its previously under-socialized, confined condition at the pound, and you can then sell it for a profit. Call it “animal flipping”.

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And there you have it. Sixteen suggestions on how to avoid stagnation in relationships. Try ‘em out — and if they work for you, consider giving me a trackback or linking the article on your favorite forum.