Why Your Girlfriend Is Cuddling With Other Guys
It’s the Eve of Christmas Eve, so I’m going to take a few minutes with my eggnog and hazelnut liqueur to address a common misconception about relationships.
A couple of my guy friends have recently been asking me odd relationship questions, like, “thirtyplus, why does my girlfriend have so many guy friends? What does she do when she hangs out with her guy friends?” and in one case, “Why is my girlfriend cuddling with other guys?”
After getting over my astonishment at the amount of perplexity on their faces, I have tried to explain.
The short answer is, “Because they’re wired that way.” But that answer is invariably unsatisfying. Surely there must be more to it!
Well, as it happens, there is.
First of all, let’s get one thing straight:
A woman’s brain is hardwired to put men in one of two categories.
A) Fuckable
B) Unfuckable
Or, correspondingly:
A) My lover! (or potential lover!)
B) My best friend-buddy platonic friend (i.e., my girlfriend)
Notice, if you will, that Category B corresponds to a functional and effective emasculation of said male.
In other words…if you are “friends” to an attractive woman who you would rather be “more than friends” with…she does not believe you have balls. She thinks you are a woman.
Now, without getting into how she could POSSIBLY think that, let’s return to the dichotomy of the female mind and its corresponding categories for men, above.
Category A, conveniently enough, correspond with what many people like to call the “Alpha Male”.
Category B, also conveniently, corresponds with what many people like to call the “Beta Male”.
When your current girlfriend first met you, it is very likely that you were acting in such a way that she put you in the “A” category — she saw you as an Alpha male. Despite what some people like to believe, first impression DO matter (an awful lot, in fact) and decisions about whether someone is fuckable or unfuckable are usually made in the first 30 seconds of meeting someone new.
It is much less likely that your current girlfriend initially saw you as a Beta male — essentially a female — and then later changed her mind and decided you were Alpha, hot, and therefore that she would sleep with you.
You see, in woman’s mind, there are two paths a man can take over the course of her knowing him — corresponding with the two categories the men in her life fall into.
Traveling from Point A to Point B, or Alpha to Beta, is a rapid or gradual “betaization”. She thought you were a potential mate, but you did something to screw it up (this is an extremely easy route).
From Point B to Point A, or Beta to Alpha: she thought you were a huge dork and basically female, but you proved her wrong. (This is a common route of underdog heroes in movies and comic books, the way they “get the girl” against all odds — think Spiderman and Mary-Jane). This is extremely hard route.
Think of path A-B as one tiny slip that sends you plummeting down the icy slope of a mountain. Think of the opposite route, B-A, as, as trying to crawl up that same precipitous near-vertical slope, naked, and covered in motor oil (or your favorite lubricant) with no climbing gear.
The A-B route is also colloquially known as “ending in the friend zone”. Route B-A is is the definition of the “unlikely hero”. If you’ve gone the A to B route and are in the Friend Zone, you may still be able to dig yourself out.
Let’s call these two routes “relational arcs” — that is, they are not just limited to serious boyfriend-girlfriend relationships, but also any acquaintance between a boy and a girl, or man or a woman, in modern first-world industrialized feminized countries. This explains why some people hook up when the first meet, as well as why some people know each other for years and finally “ruin the friendship” in favor of hooking up.
SO, now that we’ve established these categories and “relationship arcs”, let’s get back to the matter at hand: Why Your Girlfriend Is Cuddling With Other Guys.
Given the arcs and categories presented above, there are two MAIN reasons your girlfriend keeps around a lot of “guy friends” and/or cuddles with them:
A) Social proof
B) They provide her with something you do not
That’s pretty much it. Girls are simple: if something is not in some way valuable to them, somehow in their best interest or serving some important function in their life, they generally won’t keep it around. NOTE: sometimes, an “important function” in a girl’s life can be the creation of drama, trauma or distress.
So if your girl keeps a lot of guy friends / cuddle buddies around, or even just one “special” guy, you’d better believe there’s a damn good reason.
From my own experience: Having been both the guy worried and the “other guy”, I can say with absolute certainty that “special” male friends are usually serious trouble. I cannot count how many concerts, parties, or fancy dinners I have been to with a long-term fuck buddy and her boyfriend or husband (who she was cheating on with me). The poor guy was forced to act nice and chummy with me while secretly being deeply threatened by and suspicious of me.
Reason (A), social proof, is extremely simple and pretty self-explanatory. Having a lot of friends of the opposite sex serves a number of purposes:
- one, it makes you appear more desirable to members of the opposite sex:
- two, it makes members of the same sex jealous of you;
- and three, it usually has a deleterious effect on the self-confidence and certainty of your Significant Other (as in, Why does she have all these guy friends? Is she sleeping with some/all of them?)
Reason (B) is the one to worry about. Having “kept” friends for social proof is a pretty common social maneuver; just about everybody does it, and the truly sick people who also use their “kept” friends as sex toys are pretty rare (mostly because of the skill required). So reason (A) is no real worry; but if other guys are providing something to your girl that YOU are not, that is cause for worry, because that “something” that she is not getting from you (but rather is getting from someone else) is leverage that could be used by this other guy to replace you.
A couple scenarios that come to mind:
A) You are not physically affectionate enough with your girl in the way she really likes (i.e. cuddling) and therefore she is finding it somewhere else.
B) You are not emotionally close enough with your girl (or faking that closeness well enough) and therefore she is substituting physical closeness with someone else in an attempt to manufacture emotional closeness
C) Your girl has found a guy that is more Alpha than you (or he has found her) and they are in the process of hooking-up, only moving slowly enough that you happen to hear about the “cuddling” phase that is usually followed shortly thereafter by sex.
A lot of women (the majority, perhaps) have an intractable case of “swinging-monkey” syndrome — while moving through life, they do not let go of one branch before they already have a firm grasp on another. Of course by “branches” I mean “boys” (notice the subtle imagery in this analogy).
So, if you are vigilant, often you can catch signs that a girl is about to cheat on you before she does, and the cheating leads to a full-on relationship (i.e., replacement). Cuddling with other guys is *sometimes* a sign; just as often as not, though.
So, although I have touched on a lot of different ideas and dynamics in this diary, I have to caution that even armed with the above rudimentary information, the question of “What to Do” about your particular situation is practically unanswerable in general terms. Situations differ hugely; relationship dynamics fer somewhat; girls differ just barely enough to make it interesting.
For a comedic 2-minute summary of the above, see Chris Rock:
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December 25th, 2006 at 1:20 pm
“Girls are simple: if something is not in some way valuable to them, somehow in their best interest or serving some important function in their life, they generally won’t keep it around.”
sounds too simple, but amazingly it’s true. note to guys: your feelings are completely, utterly irrelevant in this equation.
December 30th, 2006 at 1:42 pm
EEK!
Err, I have to say, I’m a tad offended.
I have many male friends because I relate to them, they are real people with things to say and everything. Can’t I have male friends just for the reasons that people have friends?
Oooh, I interact in a typically masculine way sometimes, this means that I sometimes keep male company, I feel more at home that way, just as sometimes I feel more at home in the company of girls.
Sometimes, though, I just want to chat to someone that thinks a certain way because I have thoughts or feelings of a certain type. Why is the person’s gender always important? Why must my gender (which I didn’t choose, or particularly identify with) mean that I am behaving in a certain way?
I have never cheated. And have not found that too hard. If I’m with someone, it’s cos I want to be. I find it alienating that you have generalised that I have a “monkey branch” or whatever mentality.
Ok, so I am mainly heterosexual, and attraction is an issue when befriending males. This does not mean for a second that I divide people so simply. If I find myself clicking with a person, I feel close to them, this may sometimes result in my being attracted to them. That is pretty normal, no? I think the alpha beta thing is way too simplistic. It’s your actual relationship with a person that matters.
No romantic relationship can fulfil EVERY aspect of your social needs, every friend, including ones of the same sex, are filling different needs to do with relating to people. If you hang out with the guys, is this not because your lady can’t provide a certain type of interaction? One that you enjoy? No matter how great she is, and how much you are happy to be with her, she is just one person with one viewpoint. Why can’t I hang out with the guys without being subjected to a dissection of some fictional psyche that now everyone that believes you will think is mine?
I have lived with close male friends for the last three years, and have never categorised them as alpha or otherwise. I have had crushes, got over them, had other relationships, they have done the same. We remain close. If I have a shit time, I get a hug and a beer bought for me. I do the same back. They are my friends. they do the same for the guys. They are sometimes effeminate, my close friends, sometimes not. I am attracted to them or not depending on how I feel when I am with them, the things they say and do that get me interested. My success with men is varied. There has not been a noticeable tendency to be attracted to “alpha” males, or “beta” ones. This goes for most of the women I know. In fact the arrogance that goes with typical “alpha”ness is a big turn off, for me, not all, but many. Generalisation is poo. Why must people be divided thus, can’t people just bumble about and get together with someone they find to spark them off in some way? You must know some boring ladies to have made this generalisation, probably all not broken free of their imposed stereotypes, especially around people they perceive to see things that way.
Erm, also, I have spent ages in desperate yearning for some male friends. It simply ain’t the case that all men will “hook up” with female friends given the chance. I have not just experienced this because I am ugly. Dare I say it I boarder on good-looking. Life and relationships are simply more complex than you make out. “girls differ just barely enough to make it interesting.” - OUCH!
Also, that I do not fancy a man does not mean I neglect to notice that he has sexuality.
I think this comment may be rant rather than good argument. Hell, I’ll post it anyway.
To quote a male friend of mine, who thinks I’m pretty, but does not want to hook up with me, but fulfils my need to play retro computer games until sunrise without threatening my relationship, but whilst maintaining his possession of a penis, on reading your post:
“that guy generalises way too much”
So endeth the rant.
January 3rd, 2007 at 4:47 pm
Wow. This seems so accurate it’s scary. I just got in a huge fight with one of my ‘platonic’ girlfriends because she is ‘monkeying’ around with my best friend.
Spot on, good insight.
Psuarchy87.
January 19th, 2007 at 2:00 am
Didn’t think it could be that simple, but wow. I think you’ve got it! I am constantly bothered by “the game” women so instinctively play. I’m engaged to be married and often think that at this stage I shouldn’t have to deal with the guy-friend issue but it remains.
The social recognition factor is intense in some women and the beautiful ones find it easy to get their ego boosted from some weaklings who can’t find their own girl. That’s all it is really. Wouldn’t it be great to be surrounded by people telling you nice things about yourself? Well, a pretty girl can always manage it by keeping some schmucks around! It suits her reality to ignore the reason why they’re being so nice. To acknowledge that would be to minimize their ego-boost. To the guys dealing with this: stay cool! Part of their instinct is to test your confidence. You tell them you are better than those guys by not getting jealous. This is not the time for honesty. If you need to draw the line, be careful. You could accidentally tell them you are keeping them away from something better. If you have already screwed up and acted jealous….be cool from here on out. She is still with you so you haven’t lost the game yet. The trick is to play the game from here on out no matter how upset you are. We all should receive Oscars for this. The only thing that makes it easier is to know that these other dudes are just worms and your girl already knows it on some level. They might think they are smooth, but guess what? They don’t have a girl who keeps them happy so they are obviously lame, desperate, and “effectively emasculated” as our author so aptly puts it.
January 21st, 2007 at 10:48 pm
Great commentary, Big D.
February 19th, 2007 at 7:54 am
Wow…..absolutely amazing.You have no idea,well maybe you do,how correct-no correct just doesn’t give this summery justification…ummmm….indubitably correct,yes thats better,anyways.Your very much right on absolutely everything. I have been through many relationships and only cheated on twice,that I know of, I am studying to be a psychologist on human behaviorism and inquisitional thought processes. So I love the article and BigDHasselhoff’s comment. They we’re both very informative. They also helped a bit with my life and studies so thankyou,both of you very much.
February 23rd, 2007 at 3:31 am
This is absolutely true. I am also engaged and find myself craving certain male attention at times when my fiance is not around or giving it to me in the method that I desire. Also, I have never been friends with a guy for a long time, then “broken the friendship” to have a relationship. Either I’m attracted to you and you are a possibility from the beginning that never turns into anything or you are a friend–and will never become anything more.
The only guy (aside from my fiance) who I still have an interest in keeping in touch with is someone I never kissed, dated, etc. but had an immediate attraction to when we first met 5 years ago. Very Alpha male.
What I find even more intriguing (since you mentioned it) is that I don’t even have any guy friends who I don’t find attractive. You are absolutely right that a girl won’t keep you around unless you serve some purpose. My guess is that it’s so that I will always have someone around if I change my mind.
March 2nd, 2007 at 4:53 am
If only i had read this two months ago.
If only.
Nail on the head in every point.
June 28th, 2007 at 6:21 pm
Spot on, and any overt / and or negative reaction to deal with or amend the situation intensifies it. Respond with cool reserve and be better friends with the assholes than she is.
Rule of thumb: if you have to ‘keep an eye on things’, you should cut your losses, and get out. Thats either because you’re a control freak who is inevitably going to ruin everything anyway (messily), or you’re being played.
Women can be as just as selfish and mercenary as the worst men - the beautiful curves, great scents, and soft voices don’t soften that, in fact they help us forget it…
September 14th, 2007 at 6:21 am
Question to 30+;
Wouldn’t the generic answer to this scenario be to confront the lady in question and explain that this sort of behaviour is not tolerated?
She obviously still needs something from you, so if presented with a scenario where she has to choose, and even more importantly; that you are willing to cut your losses right then and there, wouldn’t that not only increase your chances of keeping her (by showing you can get equal or better elsewhere) while getting an immediate resolution to the issue BEFORE it eats up whatever left of the relationship (regardless of which level it is on).
Or I may just be ranting and talking out straight out of my ass, who knows, who cares!
BTW: Recommendation: Californication with David Duchovny. It is the PERFECT example of how to be an alpha male and would be useful for anyone seriously into this stuff.
Cheers from Malta!
September 15th, 2007 at 1:51 am
Lars:
that answer could very possibly work. On the other hand, it’s very possible your girl will lie to you, and say “I haven’t been cuddling with other guys no”. Or whatever.
So, then you’re put in the position of having to contradict her, and basically be fighting over reality (”am not / are too / am not / are too…”) which is totally pointless.
A better option: start cuddling with other girls. And more.
An even better option: attract her to you so hard she doesn’t even THINK about other guys.
November 8th, 2007 at 7:22 pm
I know this might be a bit late, but I wanted to add to the last two comments:
making your girl jealous is the sure fire way of making her so heavily attracted to you, that it’s all she thinks about.
overdoing the jealousy will obviously make her think twice about being with you - so using a subtle amount of it will keep her away from all the other dudes, and get you more sex than you could handle.
plus, throwing in ‘roller coaster’ doses of affection etc… leaves her in soap opera mode (ie ADDICTED!)
November 28th, 2007 at 9:32 pm
Lars,
I would have to agree with thirtyplus here. Better option: start cuddling with other girls. I guess it really depends on how deep the relationship is. Any deeper than the very beginnings of a monogamous relationship, and I would give her the boot, no questions asked (well, at least end the monogamous part, as thirtyplus recommends).
My personal feelings are that any amount of infidelity is better treated as a flaw in the woman than a flaw in yourself. Even the best and most irresistable men end up dating whores sometimes. I’ll fix a broken relationship, but it’s not worth the effort, headache or heartache to try to fix a broken woman.
One might argue that women stray because they are not fulfilled by their partner. Well, I have no interest in a partner who’s idea of fixing a fulfillment problem is just finding the closest branch to swing to.
In another vein, if one has problems with constantly attracting unfaithful women, that is a different issue, and probably needs to be addressed.
December 11th, 2007 at 8:31 am
While there’s truth in what you say, you’re stating things way to black-and-white. eg., it’s possible just to have an alpha friend with no attachment. Some women (people) do just love to hug without any intent. In many cultures hugging is encouraged, even among males. etc. Nonetheless, you raise some good food for thought for anyone in this situation.